Martial Coder: Martial Arts, Software Development and Cynicism

Blue and Yellow and Purple Pills

2012-01-31T14:38:00.000-08:00

I tend to avoid questioning people, at least those I'm not close to. I try to avoid shoving my views, my morality, down other people throats. However, there are days, and topics, that just piss me off.

It's irrational, I know, it doesn't make anything better, but some days I simply have to say what's in my head to stay sane. I hate pills. I frankly hate modern medicine.

I've been depressed, on and off for years. I've even been called "clinically depressed" whatever the hell that means. I'm still not sure. I've had anger issues, and I've most certainly got a temper. However, the one thing I've avoided, that holy grail of modern medicine, pills.

Sure, I'll take an Advil, and I've taken antibiotics, I'm not against curing disease, I'm against the all out crusade to "fix" everyone. No, your child does not have ADHD, your child is a normal kid who doesn't get enough exercise between school, and coming home to sit in front of the TV. No, your child is not autistic, and most likely doesn't have Asperger's either. You've just neglected to tell them it's not ok to act out in public, or you've ignored them to the point where they will do anything for attention, even negative attention.

Ok, you're depressed, that's great, stop taking pills, and go for a run. Get in shape, move, lift something heavy, put it down, rinse and repeat. If you can't sleep then make sure you're plenty tired, get up the same time every day, establish a rhythm, and stick to it.

It's not rocket science.

Now, let's be clear, I'm not saying there is never a call for a pill, or a medical treatment. However, there doesn't need to be a pill for everything. Something not right? I'd bet good money it's diet, or lifestyle that at the least aggravates the problem, and fixing that would fix whatever issue you're choking down pills to repress.

That's the big issue, in my mind. A pill doesn't fix, at least not usually, a pill represses, controls, manages. Pills don't fix. If you got fixed by a pill, then you wouldn't still need the pill, and that's bad for business. It's one of the reasons I don't ever think we will find a cure for cancer, or the common cold, or AIDS. Not for a lack of desire, but simply because treating is so much more profitable then curing.

Back to me. I've been having a bad time, depression, lack of motivation, the usual. Guess what? I got up, and dragged my ass to the gym, and I lifted heavy things, then went home. It took me roughly half an hour from changing into my shorts, to being back in my car. Now, a week and three workouts later, I feel much better, I'm sleeping better, I'm feeling better, and I'm eating better.

Guess what I'm not doing? I didn't take one single pill.

It's a "Holiday"

2012-01-16T14:03:00.000-08:00

No, I don't have work off.

It's Martin Luther King Jr. Day. There's an image floating around, with a number of flesh-tone crayons, of all the usual colors, pink, cream, tan, brown, etc. with the caption "Not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character"

At first I thought it was a cute, if somewhat cliched picture. All the colors of human skin, represented by crayons, all with the title "flesh" as if to say we're all human. Which, I guess we are.

But as the picture kept popping up on my news feed, over and over, I realized that it bothered me. It wasn't the image that bothered me, it was the fact that the subtext at least in my mind was that we're all the same, and that if everybody would just get along everything would be just fine. That bothers me, because, if we look at the quote in it's entirety Martin Luther King Jr. stressed that people should be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. Emphasis mine.

Yet this image, that keeps being shared on Facebook gets it wrong. Nothing in the image mentions, or evokes a feeling of character. It simply mentions the color or skin, or crayon, in this metaphor. The issue is that we haven't yet gotten over the issue of color.

I've been called racist, and maybe I am. But I'm willing to look past color, creed, religion, orientation, and culture. I'm willing to see past the clothes, and the skin, and the materialistic trappings, if the character is there.

I don't care if you're black, white, or blue. I care that you're a decent human being and no spread of crayons with a cute caption is going to change the fact that if you're weak morally, if you lack the force of character, then nobody has anything to judge you on then the color of your skin.

Let's see if by next year at this time we can find an image macro for that.

Cookies

2012-01-12T12:40:00.000-08:00

Now, I have a fairly liberal bent when it comes to people being left well enough alone. But I also feel, rather strongly, that people should generally be treated decently.

It was recently brought to my attention that a Girl Scout, I will hesitate to call her misguided, in California is looking to start a "Cookie Boycott" in response to a Colorado Girl Scout council, allowing one transgender youth into the program. The horror!

Huff Post does the article some justice here

Now, as I stated before, I like to see people generally being left well enough alone. If you're a council member, and you don't want your children to associate with any other member of the organization be it a question of race, color, sexual orientation, or shoe size, fine, you don't have to participate. That's your choice. The point being, you can chose your level of involvement. You don't get to determine anyone else's level of involvement. That's not right, and it's not fair.

As a rule the GSA (Girl Scouts of America) don't have a hard and fast rule on the inclusion of GLBT youth, or volunteers in the org. Fine, what they do have is a stated policy to not discriminate. Great! I'm not looking for a list of what you do, and don't allow, a simple statement that you keep an open mind is leaps and bounds ahead of other, less enlightened, scouting organizations.

The Boy Scouts have a codified policy of discrimination, both in terms of religion (no atheists) and sexual orientation, and I frankly don't support them, ever, in any way.

If my son, should I ever have one, were to show an interest in scouting I'd rather take him camping myself, then expose him to an organization that in 2012 feels that it's acceptable to codify discrimination.

2011: A Year in Review

2011-12-29T14:24:00.000-08:00

As I've done for the past few years I plan to take a moment and look at my goals for last year, and make some new ones for the following year. As with 2010's goals, I achieved none of my 2011 goals. My track record, so far, is terrible. Let us review:

Personal Goals for 2011:

I will loose weight, with a goal weight of 250lbs. This is a carry-over from last year, but I'm determined to see it through. I'm no longer pre-diabetic, I ran the Corporate Challenge and posted a respectable time, and I aim to do better this year.

I will choose to either return to Judo, or to another exercise program.

How did I do? Well, I'm sitting at 300lbs. I had gotten down to 280lbs, and was feeling great around the middle of the year, then I just stopped and now I'm back to where I started. I missed the Corporate Challenge, and have not been out running in months. I spent weeks away from Judo, and have only halfheartedly worked out since coming to Seattle.

Professional Goals for 2011:

I will deliver a 40hr+ AR, on time, under budget, with no bugs.

I will deliver every AR, on time, with no more then 3 PRs requiring a code fix.

I will find a niche, and fill it, to the best of my ability.

I will study one segment of the product, per month, with the end goal of being comfortable in a large swatch of the the products code.

This, is strangely funny. I failed all of these goals, due to being fired. Makes it hard to excel. However, I was provided the chance to make a few good professional contacts, and I got out of a job that I truly hated. The only issue is that I was fired right when I had started to gain some financial traction. I made a short detour to Thompson Reuters, and ended up relocating to Seattle for a position with Microsoft. I deem my professional growth a success, even if the stated goals ended up being impossible.

Business Goals for 2011:

I will bring in $4,000 in side-work/web work

I will track every client, every payment, every hosting sale, and will know exactly how much I made in 2011.

I will build, and market a web product, to a customer, that generates recurring revenue.

In 2011 I did my best to get out of doing side work, any side work. Overall I generated roughly $2000 in income, which I'm quite happy with. The issue right now is a question of worth. It's simply not worth the time to continue struggling. So, for 2012 I'll be closing my web doors and only doing limited work for friends.

Economic Goals for 2011:

I will pay off at least $6,000 of my personal loan.

I will acquire, and maintain a $1,000 savings balance for at least half the year.

I can't remember exactly what I meant about paying off $6,000 of the personal loan, but I doubt I've done it. As for savings, I was doing really well up until unemployment. This is a goal that will be carried forward into 2012, hopefully with better results.

Educational Goals for 2011:

I will read an educational non-fiction book a month.

I will spend 10+ percent of my "allowance" per pay-period on books or other educational materials, either for personal or professional growth.

Not. Even. Close.

So, now that we've established I more or less flopped again. Let's look ahead.

2012 Goals!

1) Stay Employed!

2) Lose weight: 250lbs by 12/12

3) Under 30 by 30. Have less than 30k non-mortgage debt by age 30. Ideally I'd like to have less than 25k by 2012. I currently have 33k in non-mortgage debt.

Short, sweet, simple. Let's see if I can get anywhere close.

A Long Way Down

2011-12-22T15:00:00.000-08:00

It's been... hectic.

I find it funny. I know in the past I've turned to writing as a catharsis, a way to keep my head on straight. After a piece I found that I needed something more physical. I moved on to Judo, BJJ, and lately SAMBO as a way of staying loose, of keeping the anger at bay.

Why am I angry? Lately at least it's been hectic. It's been a new job, or two, it's been a move, or two, it's been plane rides, or six. It's been sitting on the other side of the country from my wife. It's been work, and stress, and a lack of sleep, and a terrible diet. It's been a lack of focus, and drive.

It's hard to stay focused when you're sad. I've been sad. I've spent nights picking at a pizza I don't really need only to find I've eaten the entire thing and still feel... eh.

It's hard to lift, and exercise, when you don't really see the point.

It's hard to work when you just want to go home.

It's hard to go home when the house is empty.

It's been a rough few months but things are slowly moving forward. I've completed nearly all of my side work. Which is a huge blessing. I've begun to think long and hard about priorities. Which is an interesting activity if you've never done it.

I'm trying to get used to the idea that there are only so many hours, and only so many things I can accomplish in those hours. If this is what growing up feels like, it sucks.

Transparency in Government

2011-03-23T17:35:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about politics a lot lately. The turmoil in the Middle East, the uprising in Wisconsin, and the growing sense of unrest politically has me thinking there has to be a better way.

I can't help but come back to the idea that the one thing that is fundamentally broken about our government is a lack of accountability. A government is funded by the citizenry of the country, so why is it acceptable for a government to be anything less then totally open about it's activities?

It's not a perfect analogy but take Wikileaks, the fact that such an organization even needs to exist says quite plainly that something is wrong. Governments should not have secrets from their people. Governments exist at the whim of their citizenry. So why has our government forgotten this fact?

Why has the U.S. government been allowed to spend wantonly, to live outside of it's means, for years?
Why has the citizenry allowed the government to enter into two amoral wars, with no declaration of war from Congress?
Why do the citizens of the United States allow their government to conduct business behind closed doors?
Why do the citizens of the United States allow corporations to get away with paying no taxes?
Why do the citizens of the United States allow the government to be run by special interest groups, by lobbyists, by big business?

Governments, and democracies especially exist because those that are governed wish the government to exist. I can't help but wonder if our founding fathers, when they framed our Constitution could they have ever imagined the corruption, the bloat, the abuses of power that now sully the halls of the capital?

I think they couldn't, for if they had I doubt they would have ever put quill to paper.

Dave Ramsey

2010-12-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

On a co-workers recomendation I looked up DaveRamsey.com which, for those of you not in the know, is a money management and debt reduction site that claims to be able to secure anyones financial future with only the money they already make blah-blah-blah we've all heard it before. But, as I trust this co-worker I decided to look into things a bit.

First and foremost the plan is built around 7 "baby" steps, though Dave and my definition of baby certainly differs. I was surprised to find that his suggestions, and my current strategy is fairly similar. His first step, and mine, is to amass $1,000 in savings. Where we differ is that he views a couples funds jointly, I do not. So, in my eyes I don't have $1,000 in savings, according to Daves plan I do, as The Missus has $1,000 or more in savings. I'm not totally in agreement, but I can accept the differing opinion.

His second step is to begin making a "debt snowball" while the name makes me chuckle, as I always envision a snowball growing, maybe a debt melt? But, in his defense he's referring to a debt repayment snowball, which is just clunky to say, but in the end the theory is that you order your debts from smallest to largest, then proceed to pay off the smallest, then the next smallest, etc. all the while making minimum payments on the rest. In theory the excitement of repaying the little guys will continue to motivate you to pay off the larger debt. However, he only looks at interest rates when two debts are similar in size. I disagree with this in principle. While I can understand wanting to pay off, as I call them, "ankle-biter" debts, those debts under $300, I feel that any lump sum of money applied to debt has to go against highest interest debt, or the progress made will be lost under compounding interest. So again, we're similar in our approach, but we differ in practice.

His third "baby" step is to amass 3-6 months of expenses in savings, for me six months is nearly $10,000, which is simply huge. I think this is where his system really degrades. This step can be simply insurmountable, even with the bulk of debt paid off, with the exception of a mortgage, I would be able to only put $1,000 into savings a month, provided nothing un-planned happens. This is nearly a years effort.

After the third step he get's into investing, paying down your mortgage, and giving, but at that point with only a mortgage to worry about it's fairly simple to manage your money.

I'm going to follow his program for awhile and see where it takes me, but I'm also going to keep track of where I would have put money according to my plan to see how, in the long run, if it does in fact make sense to pay off smallest to largest, or in interest rate should be the determining factor.

$10 Christmas

2010-12-22T10:18:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at my desk the other night looking through receipts, bank statements, and trying to motivate myself to do the wrapping that I should have done weeks ago. I spent a fair amount this Christmas, not an unreasonably large amount, but enough to give me pause and more importantly to get me thinking.

I looked at the names on my list and wondered could I conceivably give everyone on the list a solid, appreciated, gift for under $10 per person? My thought is that if by reducing the financial burden of the season could I in turn reduce the stress, the depression, the angst that I always feel at this time of year? Now, for this year at least it's too late to really go back and do any cost-reduction. But the idea sounded good in my head and I thought that if it worked for me, and if I could get a group of people to agree then maybe I could start a small revolution towards a happier, more frugal, Christmas, hopefully free of the over-commercialization that seems to plague the season.

It's a thought for next year, let's see if I remember!

My Mother Doesn't Like the Pogues

2010-12-13T19:51:00.000-08:00

Alternate Title, Fairytale of New York.

I posted a link to Fairytale of New York, the classic Christmas song written by the Pogues. My mother disagreed with my assertion that it was, in fact, one of the best Christmas songs ever written.

That got me thinking, that as an adult, or at some point as I became an adult, I had to redefine what Christmas, or for that matter any holiday, meant to me. I realized that this is one of the places that we non-theists, myself a humanist, really fall short. Theists have an intrinsic understanding of what a holiday should be, the stories, the legends, the fables behind their religions holidays.

As a non-theist I understand the holiday, from a religious perspective, but I lack the intrinsic sub-conscious feel of a holiday. So, as part of growing up I had to decide what each holiday meant to me as I had no spiritual default to fall back on. I began, as I'm sure we all do, with my parents idea of Christmas, I can tell you the traditions, the cinnamon buns on Christmas morning, that you open your stockings, have breakfast and then open your gifts, I remember the music too, Neil Diamond, the Carpenters, and the Dubliners. Those songs evoke in me a feeling of what Christmas meant to me as a child, a sort of sonic nostalgia.

However, as I came of age I realized Christmas did not feel, for me, the way it did for my parents. Christmas, to me, was a quiet time, a time to sit in front of the fire with a cup of coffee, safe from the cold. It's not that I was not merry, I just felt a sense of quiet, as if I loathed to disturb the quiet of the snow, the unbroken sheet of white, and that quiet had come into me, and in so doing, my idea of Christmas changed. I now thought of Christmas as a time to reflect back, to think of things done, of friends known, and dreams either fulfilled, or abandoned. My Christmas is quieter, softer, and when my children think back on Christmas it will be the Fairytale of New York they will remember.

A New Year: 2011

2010-12-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

I know I'm early, but this is the first time in my adult life where I can look back on the past years resolutions and see how I did, and as I've been thinking about it a lot I intend to do just that, right now.

First, last years resolutions may be found here

I broke last years resolutions into three broad categories, my personal, professional, and economic goals. While I intend to do the same this year I hope to delve into more detail then a bulleted list.

2010 Personal Goals:

I will loose weight, with a goal weight of 250lbs.
I will achieve a 300lb squat and dead lift, and a 200lb bench press for reps, 5x5.
I will get the apartment clean, and keep it clean.
I will compete in at least 2 Judo tournaments outside of my club.
I will attain my Judo green belt, and blue belt if possible.

Results:

I lost weight, with my lowest, current, weight at 280lbs. Half way to my goal of 250lbs.
I came nowhere close to either of my weight lifting goals, I chose to abandon heavy weightlifting in favor of cardiovascular exercise in an attempt to loose weight faster. I don't consider this to have been a wise decision.
I competed in one, semi-formal competition. Finances, and a lack of confidence kept me out of any additional competitions. I, at this point, have quit Judo and am considering not returning.
I am still an orange belt, with little chance of attaining my green, or any higher Judo rank.

2010 Professional Goals:

I will write, market, and sell a software product written wholly by me.
I will move towards attaining my Microsoft Professional Developer Certification.
I will decide on a masters program, and if necessary take the GREs

Results:

I did not complete a stand-alone software product, though I did complete several websites for clients, bringing in roughly $2,000
I have made no progress on my MPDC, I am debating if this is a direction I wish to go in.
While I want to go back to grad school, finances, and my wife's need to finish school have put my desire on hold for the time being.

2010 Economic Goals:

I will save $2,500
I will pay off at least $7000 of my personal loan.

Results:

Over the course of the year I'm sure I saved roughly $2,500 though at no point did I have $2,500 in the bank, I consider this a failed objective.
I have paid off just over $6,000 of my personal loan, while I don't consider this a success I am proud the fact that I got so much paid off in so short a time.

As I'm looking at this list I can't help but realize I did not accomplish a single goal I set for myself. Yet I can't help but also see that some of these goals were counter to other goals, and some were simply unobtainable. I also can take heart in the accomplishments that I could not have foreseen. I bought a house, I adopted a third cat, I saw my one year wedding anniversary come, and go. These, and dozens of other smaller victories I have to take comfort in, and I have to work harder next year. And so...

New Years Resolutions 2011!

Note: I'm breaking up Professional (my 9-5) and Business (my side-work) into seperate catagories for 2011.

Personal Goals for 2011:

I will loose weight, with a goal weight of 250lbs. This is a carry-over from last year, but I'm determined to see it through. I'm no longer pre-diabetic, I ran the Corporate Challenge and posted a respectable time, and I aim to do better this year.
I will choose to either return to Judo, or to another exercise program.

Professional Goals for 2011:

I will deliver a 40hr+ AR, on time, under budget, with no bugs.
I will deliver every AR, on time, with no more then 3 PRs requiring a code fix.
I will find a niche, and fill it, to the best of my ability.
I will study one segment of the product, per month, with the end goal of being comfortable in a large swatch of the the products code.

Business Goals for 2011:

I will bring in $4,000 in side-work/web work
I will track every client, every payment, every hosting sale, and will know exactly how much I made in 2011.
I will build, and market a web product, to a customer, that generates recurring revenue.

Economic Goals for 2011:

I will pay off at least $6,000 of my personal loan.
I will acquire, and maintain a $1,000 savings balance for at least half the year.

Educational Goals for 2011:

I will read an educational non-fiction book a month.
I will spend 10+ percent of my "allowance" per pay-period on books or other educational materials, either for personal or professional growth.

It's a good list, and this year I've kept an eye on avoiding goals that contradict each other. I'm hoping that with a higher degree of granularity that I can better meet my goals. I will also look at these goals quarterly to asses my progress. First in March, then June, then September and lastly in December.

I feel I have chosen an attainable list, I hope that in a years time I will have better results then this year.

Christmas, of sorts

2010-12-01T20:09:00.000-08:00

I dislike most holidays. I'm no Grinch, no scrooge but I do prefer to celebrate in my own way, quietly, with a close few. I find the holidays to be a trying time, a stressful time, even as work winds into the slow season, and festive music can be heard on every station I find myself depressed, low, as if the overly festive atmosphere exposes the fact that I, at least most of the time, don't feel particularly festive.

I don't mind if others make merry, and I most certainly wouldn't say no to a gathering or party, I just find myself sad a lot this time of year. My situation, especially my finances, weigh on my mind. I reflect back on the year, both the highs and the lows, and I often find that the lows stick in my mind. I do my best to stay positive, but I find it hard. I'm hoping that this year will be better. I hope to be merry, and I hope to have a good end to a good year.

Here's to hoping.

Hello World

2010-12-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

September 24th 2010, that is the date of the last update to this blog. That makes it just over two months ago, and the entries preceding that one were plenty sparse. I find myself monologuing in my head, having a discussion as if giving a lecture. When I find myself doing that, I blog.

Given that I no longer have to write, at least creatively, I find the urge comes and goes, when I feel I have something to talk about I do, when I don't, I don't. These inner monologues are the indicator that I might just have something to talk about. I'm sure through the holidays I'll be blogging more, if for no other reason then for the stress relief.

All's Quiet

2010-09-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

I've always taken to writing as a way to make sense of things, a sounding board if you will. When life makes no sense, I write more, when life makes sense I write less.

While I can't say life makes any more sense now then it did a month or two ago I've certainly been busy, and with being busy comes a certain narrowing of focus, blinders if you will. I've had to walk away from quite a few things in recent weeks, all in the name of keeping the bills paid and the lights on. I've given up Judo, and with that most exercise. I've given up weekends and evenings to car repair and side projects, all in the hope that I can keep the bank balance above 0. I fear it's a false hope, but I still try.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the situation I'm in, the situation all too many people are in. Simply put, why is it so hard to simply live? Why is it so hard to simply stay on the level? I'm not looking to prosper, I'm not looking to move up in the world, I'm simply looking for stability. However I fear that stability is a myth, it's a line that's sold to kids in college, the thought that if you do everything right then you'll be ok.

It's just hard to have made it to the good job, the degree, the house, the wife, the white picket fence, and to be absolutely broke. It's heart breaking. It really makes you question your decisions, question your choices, and at the end of the day it's a terribly sad state of affairs when you simply can't live your life even though everyone says you should be able to.

Sex and Fighting

2010-08-04T08:44:00.000-07:00

I'm a fan of Planned Parenthood on Facebook. I appreciate the liberal, slightly biased, open-minded approach to sexuality, sexual health, and sexual freedoms. PPH's views mesh well with mine and I appreciate what they do. However, I find that some of the followers that post comments to the articles that Planned Parenthood posts can be as bigoted and close-minded as any.

Now I know that liberalism does not equate to open-mindedness but I would hope that those that profess a more liberal viewpoint would also be hesitant to make snap judgments.

A specific comment sparked this rant, I'll reproduce it below, names removed to protect the "innocent"

"After letting my kids know that porn is, in no way, "real" sex, I would much rather them see boobs than cage fighting. I think what we consider taboo, in the US, is a little backwards. Violence, and the depiction of it, should be the taboo subject, while the beauty of sexuality should be freely expressed."

The discussion was on when, and how, to talk to children about pornography, as well as some of the good talking points when it comes to pornography. Frankly, I found the article enlightening. It touched on points I had never really thought about.

I'll link to the article here

The question in particular, in case it gets moved if the one asking for advice when a 14 year old girl and 16 year old boy found some porn online.

Anyway, I digress. The comment posted above got to me. My views on fighting are hardly a secret. My views on sex are hardly a secret. I don't see the issue with either as long as it's two CONSENTING adults.

Hell, if you want to step into a ring, onto the mat, or into a cage then do so. If you find someone who wants to get in there with you, good for them. Fighting is the single most difficult pursuit a man, or woman, can engage in. Fighting requires a degree of stamina, of fitness, not seen in other pursuits. Why should we as a society demonize violence? Why should we as a society demonize sex, sexuality, or really any act between two consenting adults.

It just upsets me when people speak about a topic they have no knowledge of. I'm of the mind that if you want to try and ban fighting they you should have at least fought. Get on the mat, train, work out, cross hands with a fighter and if afterwards you still want to ban fighting then at least you can speak from a position of knowledge as opposed to ignorance.

Plans, Big Plans

2010-06-29T12:24:00.001-07:00

I've never been one to do things the easy way, I know it makes no sense but suffering, as they say, builds character.

Over the last several years I've managed to work myself into a precarious financial situation, in which I'm left with a pile of bills, a pile of money, and if I'm lucky the money pile is bigger.

However, never being one to let reality get me down, I've decided that the best motivation is an audacious goal. So, I've decided that by the age of 30, that is October 13th 2014 I will have all my school loans and personal debt paid off. This amounts to a whopping $43,000 dollars of debt, plus or minus a bit, paid off in just over four years time, or to put that in perspective $10,000 dollars per year.

Given my current rate of repayment this plan is quite simply, impossible.

I don't make enough money to successfully pay off $10,000 per year, plus interest. However if I can manage to create, market, and sell a product that can generate a stream of renewable revenue then this goal becomes not only possible, it becomes relatively trivial to do.

I'm also looking into the possibility of acquiring rental property, most likely HUD property and earning additional income that way. We shall see which way I end up going. Either way, it's a big goal, a crazy goal, and I hope I'm up to the challenge.

One Nail Short

2010-06-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

I'm branching out! I've started a second blog One Nail Short

We're one of "those" couples

2010-06-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

The Missus and I are moving, hopefully into a new house, but at the very least out of our current apartment.

As I was packing today I realized The Missus and I are one of "those" couples, you know the couples with a million boxes of books, all weighing at least 45lbs. Yeah, that's us, sorry.

It seems like I've moved a few of those couples, I even moved a Reverend once, you want to see a pile of books move a Reverend. The Missus and I aren't quite at that stage but we're close. Say .8 Reverends.

It's funny, we've been looking for houses for months and it's today, the act of packing, that makes it seem real. It's as if up until now we were not moving, just looking, and now we are really going to pick up and move. Scary.

The Modern Gym

2010-05-03T09:52:00.001-07:00

I hate the modern gym.

Gyms should smell like sweat, metal, and bleach. Anything more and something is wrong.

Gyms should be composed of nothing more then a few benches, a few racks, a few bars, and a pile of weight. Add in some chin-up bars, boxes, and dip bars and you are 90% of the way there.

Walk into any gym and what do you see? Machines. Fixed motion, easy to use, low risk, useless crap. Wall to wall. Modern gyms smell like potpourri and new carpet. They advertise massage services, and holistic training approaches.

Bull-Shit.

You go to a gym to get stronger. You only need a mirror to check your squat form. You don't go to a gym to network, or watch TV. If you walk into a gym and your first thought is anything even close to "Oh, they have a juice bar" turn around and leave. Unless of course you don't really want to get stronger.

Modern gyms are factories, they keep people clueless and so day after day, week after week, month after month people go back to the gym because they feel they need the gym. They feel they need the four walls, the endless lines of machines, to "get fit".

Bull-Shit.

Why are modern gyms like this? It's simple. Money. Keep people paying those dues month after month.

Bull-Shit.

A gym is a place you go to get stronger. If you want to get fit, run. If you want to get strong then find a gym that smells of sweat, metal, and bleach. Especially the bleach. Bleach is good.

That gym, should you find it, will be anything but bullshit.

Kids in the Weight Room

2010-05-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

I have no problem with kids exercising. In fact I encourage it. Also, for the sake of argument, let's say a kid is anyone under the age where the can keep track of themselves and make sure what they are doing is not in fact titanically stupid.

I work out at the YMCA on Monroe Ave. a family friendly place I assure you. However, there are a few things I've seen day in and day out that frustrate and upset me. I see parents lifting, often with little to no clue what they are actually doing, while their kids treat the weights, the treadmills, and the like as toys.

First the parents, if you don't know what you are doing, and you have no end goal, then don't waste my time, get in my way, and clutter up my weight room, because at the end of the day that's what you are. Clutter.

Second, kids. I don't care if you bring your kids with you, but your 240lb "13" year old isn't doing himself any favors by "running" for a minute, literally, on a treadmill. Either get your kids exercising for real or get them, and yourselves out of my weight room.

I was fortunate that I was taught the basics of how to act in a weight room, and the basics of how to lift. Most of those basic lifts I still do. It's not hard. If you are a fully functioning adult and you want to "get stronger" then do so. Do your research, know what you are doing, and if you don't know what you are doing then maybe asking the kid in the squat rack who's lifting damn near his body weight MIGHT just be a good person to ask.

Just saying, might be a good idea.

Anyway, long story short, get yourself, and your kids either exercising for real, with a goal, and a plan, or get out of my weight room.

You Don't Know Squat

2010-05-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

THE SQUAT

Down this road, in a gym far away,

a young man was heard to say,

"no matter what i do, my legs won't grow"

he tried leg extensions, leg curls, and leg presses , too

trying to cheat, these sissy workouts he'd do.

from the corner of the gym where the big men train,

through a cloud of chalk and the midst of pain

where the noise is made with big forty fives,

a deep voice bellowed as he wrapped his knees.

a very big man with legs like trees.

laughing as he snatched another plate from the stack

chalking his hands and monstrous back,

said, "boy, stop lying and don't say you've forgotten,

the trouble with you is you ain't been SQUATTIN'. "

- By Dale Clark

I read that poem on a poster and loved it immediately.

An Ordinary Hero

2010-04-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

I've always believed that every man wishes that he could be a hero. Even if only once, even if for just a minute, every man wishes the he could stand and be counted as the hero for a day.

Some men get the chance, some go looking for it, sometimes it finds the man it's looking for, and every now and again ordinary men become heroes, unintentionally, and without cause or fanfare. Ordinary men come together to do ordinary things, and in doing them, and doing them well, become heroes.

I'm sure if my grandfather was alive today and you asked him he would say he was no hero. I'm sure if you sat him down and reminded him of the plane crash, in December of 1968 he would have stories of men who, in his eyes, were far more deserving of praise then he. If you got him to say anything at all.

My grandfather's been gone for many years and it was only recently I learned of both the crash, and his involvement. He did nothing special, at least nothing he would have considered special. He merely left his home when called, and did what he knew how to do, and what he knew how to do was run phone line. He, and other Bell Telephone employees did what they knew how to do, they ran telephone line out to the crash site so that the rescuers could make phone calls when needed. Nothing dangerous, at least no more dangerous then riding through the woods on a snowmobile in 10 degree weather. Nothing he and his co-workers had not done a hundred times before. Yet in that simple, everyday, act he, and his co-workers, and every other man who answered the call for help became simple, ordinary, every day, heroes.

I doubt any of them left their homes that night hoping for praise, recognition, or adventure. I'm sure to a man they would have rather had that plane land safely, I'm sure to a man they would have rather been home with family, warm, and safe. Yet it is not what a man wishes that makes him a hero, it's what he does when he would rather not. It's going out in the cold, in the dark, simply because a friend, a neighbor, a policeman, or firefighter asked for help.

To a man, the very act of stepping out their front door made them all heroes.

To my grandfather, Kenneth Finlan. Even though I'm sure you would disagree with me, at least for a night, you were a hero.

Envelope Budgeting

2010-04-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

I've been doing this for months and never realized it was an actual method of budgeting. My cousin mentioned it to me this past weekend and I was shocked. I thought I was being terribly clever.

I can't manage money to save my immortal soul. If I have money in the bank I'll spend it, no question. However if I have the money physically in hand it's much harder to spend it. If I have the physical money stashed somewhere it becomes painful to spend it.

So, I end up with a large number of envelopes, each holding some amount of money. My paycheck is direct deposited and I pull out the vast majority of it and stash it in envelopes. When the time comes to pay a given bill I pull out the envelope containing the money that has been set aside for this purpose.

As an extension of this behavior I have a large number of accounts and multiple banks, money goes into accounts and automatic bill payments take the money out and I simply don't have to worry. I find this method advantageous as it's a pain to drive to a bunch of different banks to pull money out, so the money doesn't get spent.

Saving via obfuscation. It works for me, I've managed to put away $1,100 in savings, I've paid off thousands of my debt consolidation loan and my bills are all current. I know what I have to spend for the week and once everything is covered what ever is left over turns directly into play money.

I hope to have five thousand saved by years end, let's see how close I come!

What do I believe?

2010-04-18T17:34:00.001-07:00

It's a question that most Unitarians ask themselves at least a few times a year. Sometimes the questioning is a formal process, as in Coming of Age when you sit down and write a credo, a statement of beliefs. It can also be an informal process where in the course of your daily lives you come to the realization that what you believe has shifted, maybe for the present, maybe for good.

It's been a long time since I've self identified as a Unitarian, and even longer since I've sat down and really thought about what it is I believe. I find it hard to articulate what I believe, just as I've found it hard to find a political label, or a religious home.

I know I believe in self-reliance, I know I believe in taking care of your family, your wife, your home. I believe that if all else fails you should go down fighting, that if things truly fall apart around you that you should be able to say with a straight face, and no reservations that you tried everything, that you left no avenue unexplored and no fight un-fought.

I know I believe in fighting, in the simple uncomplicated honesty of exercise, and the value of discipline. I know I believe that you should not have children unless you plan to raise them, not the TV, not the schools, not a nanny, you as their parent should be charged first and foremost with the task of raising your children. I believe if you are unwilling to do this then you should not have children.

I believe that everyone should have access to medical care, especially contraception, and that everyone should have to work. I believe that there should be no such thing as a hand-out, only a hand-up and that the government exists only for it's own betterment.

I believe that religion is a sham, and that prayer never solved anything. I believe that work, no matter how humble, should be the ideal. I believe that every child should be raised with the belief that they should work to support themselves, and to help those who due to disability or age are no longer able to help themselves.

I believe that an armed society is a polite society, and that disciplining your kids is not only correct, but should be viewed as the good and proper action as a parent. I believe that boys should be told from a young age that there is nothing wrong with their anger, that they don't have to be in touch with their feminine side and that at the end of the day if someone is in their face they have every reason to fight. I also believe that with that right to fight should come the belief that loosing is not bad, that winning is not the ideal, and that not everybody gets a trophy.

I believe that there's nothing wrong with sex, that there's nothing taboo about a womans period, and that the only effective sex education is the one that leaves no mystery. I believe that every child should know how to put on a condom, and that every school nurse should be able and willing to dispense them.

I believe that every doctor has the right to refuse to perform an abortion, and I believe that no pharmacist should be able to refuse to fill a prescription, no matter their religious beliefs. I believe that no politician should be able to tel any professional how to do their job.

I believe that you should spend no more money then you make, that college should be affordable, but not required, and that anyone who wishes to learn, to better themselves, should be afforded that chance.

I believe that no man deserves a million dollar paycheck.

I believe that these may all change.

I believe.

2010-03-30T07:38:00.000-07:00

"As I've said for years, condoms are a hell of a lot cheaper then kids."

As I age my views shift, my beliefs solidify and I seem to be moving more towards the conservative side of the isle, not the Republican side, just conservative. I may have to write a post on it, but anyway.

I was arguing with a friend on Facebook, a masturbatory exercise I know but I couldn't help it. She was upset that she had been turned down for Medicaid, despite being pregnant, because she makes too much money.

Tough.

You make too much money, your husband can get insurance, sure it sucks but that's life. I'm not against people getting help when they needs it, but as I've always said condoms are a hell of a lot cheaper then kids. In fact any birth control up to and including a full hysterectomy is cheaper then a kid. If you do not have insurance, and if you do not have the financial means to raise a kid, do not get pregnant.

It was made even more frustrating because she knew she did not have insurance and got pregnant anyway. Just upsetting. I see far too much of this behavior, why the hell should I, and my taxes, pay for your bad decision? You chose to get pregnant, you should have to live with the consequences of that decision. Is it elitist of me? If I was poor would I have a different view of the situation? Maybe, I don't know, all I know is how I feel.

Family Dinner

2010-03-19T10:09:00.001-07:00

I've been sitting on the link below for a long time, and I think it's finally time that I talk about it, and what I'm thinking about my family.

http://www.ncparkour.com/blog/275-mmx

The article itself has nothing to do with my family, in any sense of the word. Yet there is one line that stuck with me: "A family may not enjoy the presence of a particular member but he is still invited to the table for dinner at the end of the day."

I train with a lot of people, I have a Judo family, and there are members of that family I simply cannot stand, yet at the end of the day they are family, they have put in the sweat, the time, the energy, taken the falls, and been there offering me a hand up when I took my falls. I may dislike them as a person, but as a family member I'd stand shoulder to shoulder with them. I am able to distance them as a person, and their behavior from the simple fact that they are family.

I have a biological family, and in a way the biological family is, if anything, more prone to issues, more prone to fracturing yet there should be a stronger tie between the members. Yet I've found that work binds closer then any blood, any relation. I respect and love the people I sweat with, the people I fight with, next-to, and against more then most of the people I have a blood relationship to but at the end of the day they are still welcome at my table. I do not like my father, I love him, he is my father, but I do not like him. He and I have a very strained relationship, we play nice, and we get along for short periods but on most things we do not agree, however my father is welcome at my table. Any of my family, irregardless of whether I like them or not are welcome at my table. That, and that alone is family.

I just wish more of my family felt the same way.

Fear and Judo

2010-03-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

I once heard a man say that you have to face the little fears, for if you chicken out on the little things you'll be more likely to chicken out on the big things.

I'm paraphrasing, obviously.

I haven't competed in over a year. I've avoided any tournament that came my way, from friendly inter-club tournaments to regional fights, to Am-Can, the American and Canadian open. I've had excuses, some of them valid, most times I just kept my mouth shut.

Truth be told I stayed home because I was scared. I was scared if I stepped on the mat and failed again that I wouldn't have the heart to get back up and keep training. I did not think my self confidence could take another last place bronze "medal" so I just didn't fight.

I'm sick of being scared. I'm sick of saying no. I'm strong, I'm big, and I'll just have to see what happens. But win, loose, or draw I'm going to fight.

I made myself a promise as part of my New Years resolution, and that was to fight again and to fight in something bigger then my inter-club tournament. I joked with myself that I'd have to grab the last two tournaments of the year, how last minute panic would force me on the mat. I felt ashamed of myself, I almost took the resolution off the list.

It's still there.

I'm fighting and it's not the second to last tournament of the year. Let's see what happens.

Diet Update

2010-03-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

I've been dieting for weeks, I could go back and look up exactly how long but truth be told it doesn't really matter. I'm down 15 lbs, nearly 5% of my body weight and I feel really good. I still have a lot of weight to loose but this is the longest I've kept a diet going in years. It's not a complicated diet, I'm eating right and exercising a ton.

I stopped weightlifting a few weeks ago. I sat down and thought about what I was doing, and what I was trying to achieve. My first goal was weight loss, strength was a secondary goal and to a large extent could be accomplished with the activity I was already doing. Judo was helping me maintain my current strength and the heavy weightlifting combined with the Judo classes were causing no small amount of soreness and pain, especially in my knees.

I've stopped lifting for the moment, once I'm at a weight I'm comfortable with I'll begin to add back in the weight training.

It's a shame

2010-02-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

I saw a quote the other day, a quote I have been unable to re-find. It went something like this: It's a shame for a man to die without ever knowing his bodies true potential. I'm paraphrasing, obviously, but the thought is still there.

When I read the quote it got me to thinking, I don't often worry about the why, I just do. I play Judo because I enjoy it, I lift because I like the feel of the weight, and the sense of accomplishment. But I realized, on some level, I train because I want to see if it's possible. I want to find the point at which I can't go any farther. The point at which I can't keep fighting, can't lift anymore, can't go any harder. I have not found that point yet but I'm still looking.

I will not go to my grave without knowing precisely what my body is capable of. Even if it hurts finding out along the way.

Stuff

2010-01-31T16:58:00.000-08:00

I'm sure there are people who go through life collecting stuff. I don't want to be one of them anymore. I don't intend to follow a set course, nor do I have a goal in mind. I was simply thinking as I cleaned my apartment tonight that it would be so much easier to clean if I simply had less stuff.

I spent years collecting stuff, little bits to go with other bits that all went together to form a huge pile. Yet I always struggled to pull together the funds to buy more stuff. I'm simply looking to see if I can stop. Is it possible to just walk away. Is it possible to just stop buying things? I guess we will find out.

Handing out Crutches

2010-01-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

I started teaching my second session of Web Design at the Genesee Community Darkroom this past Thursday. I had five students, all women, all between the age of thirty and forty five. A good class, they all seemed interested, engaged, and the feedback after the first class was positive. However, one of the women I could tell was going to be a problem. She knew enough of the material I was covering to want to skip ahead, yet the other students all had no previous experience, so I resisted the urge to go faster then I had planned. Maybe, in hindsight, that was a bad choice.

She called the Darkroom, dropped the class, asked for a refund, and pitched a fit.

So, I got called, and had a rather heated discussion with the Darkroom coordinator. What was said is irrelevant, what does matter is that I feel I'm doing the right thing, and I refuse to change the way I teach web design. My reasons are simple.

I refuse to hand my students a crutch. Period.

Let me say that again, I REFUSE to hand my students a crutch.

I teach web design, I don't teach Dreamweaver. Dreamweaver is a tool, it is not an end to itself. If you can only design a web page in Dreamweaver then you CAN NOT design a web page. You have become overly dependent on the tool, and the tool then becomes a crutch. Remove the crutch and you fall.

I teach my students to design web pages. I give them the skill, and then with the skill I give them the tools. When I'm done I want to know that any student of mine could sit down with Notepad and write a website. I want to know that if you remove the tool from my students hands that the SKILL remains. Skill matters, the tool does not. I simply refuse to teach a class on a tool and not impart the underlying skill. It does my students no good and I would be hard pressed to live with myself.

Mac Safety

2010-01-26T08:13:00.000-08:00

I tend to keep my mouth shut when it comes to the Mac/PC debate. It's not that I don't have an opinion it's more that I know that there is nothing I can say to convince a Mac user that they are not the "chosen people" that they CAN get viruses, and if they don't take the precautions then they can run into the same issues a PC user can. I posted the following rant to Facebook on a day when I simply got sick of keeping my mouth shut.

Macs are no safer then PC's, in fact Mac users tend to exhibit more risky behavior in their computer use then PC users as "Mac users don't get viruses"

I also find it funny that you automatically assume that I'm running Windows. The next time you turn on your Mac drop to the command line, it's a BSD/Debian kernel clone. Any security Macs have is due to the hours put into Linux/Unix development, not due to anything Mac has ever done.

So, have fun selling your soul to Apple. How are those mandatory apple-only peripherals treating you? Or the Apple only software? Or the inability to upgrade your machine, or even fix your own machine, how's that working out for you?

I wouldn't suggest my worst enemy buy a Mac. Mac users are paying big bucks to stay blind, to stay ignorant, with their collective heads buried in the sand of "Mac safety"

Good luck with that.

Will it help? No, will the person the rant was directed at change his views, I doubt it. But every now and again it feels good to say it.

Weightroom Education

2010-01-21T07:23:00.000-08:00

Nobody taught me to dead lift. I was taught to squat, taught to clean, and press. I was taught the proper form to bench press, and over the years tweaked it, but nobody ever taught me to dead lift. Why? Because I did not need to be taught.

There are some things your body just knows how to do, it's instinctive, and when you find out what it is, doing it just feels natural, like breathing. With me it's dead lifting. I loaded the bar, took a grip and the weight came off the floor, it was clean, it was easy and it felt good. Not just "hey that was neat" but more a heady endorphin rush that made me sit back and go "Woah!" My lower body has always been stronger, moving around while weighing over 250lbs for nearly my entire life you get real good at lifting heavy things. I can, with only a few month training effortlessly dead lift 265lbs for reps. My squat has plateaued, my bench the same, my press has caused my no amount of trouble. However, my dead lift just keeps going up. 10lbs, ever other lifting session, like clockwork.

I have to worry about my squat form, I have to remind myself to press to full extension and I have to be mindful of bench pressing unevenly. Dead lift just works. My form is rock solid, every day, every lift, every rep. It just works, and it feels incredible.

Early Morning Blues

2010-01-19T04:56:00.000-08:00

There's something wonderful about being up before the sunrise, to be able to watch the sky lighten incrementally is a calming experience, yet for me at least, it's only calming if I don't have to be somewhere or do something.

Yet this morning I got up and went to work before the sun was up. Instead of being relaxing it just felt early. It was as if the act of having to be somewhere ruined the enjoyment of being up. It's sad really as I would have loved to have spent the morning relaxing, sipping a cup of coffee, but alas there are bills to be paid.

A New Year: 2010

2009-12-31T08:31:00.000-08:00

Well, tonight is the end of the worst year, of the worst decade, since the Great Depression. Cheery. It also ends the year I married my lovely wife, so 2009 was not all bad. But, in interest of looking ahead to the future I'm going to do something I often do this time of year, I'm making resolutions for the new year. However, unlike years past where I quickly forgot said resolutions I am committing this years to a digital immortality, a form of permanence, to both help remind me of my goals and to allow me to look back and see what was, or was not, accomplished come the end of 2010. So, without further ado, my resolutions.

Personal:

I will loose weight, with a goal weight of 250lbs.
I will achieve a 300lb squat and dead lift, and a 200lb bench press for reps, 5x5.
I will get the apartment clean, and keep it clean.
I will compete in at least 2 Judo tournaments outside of my club.
I will attain my Judo green belt, and blue belt if possible.

Professional:

will write, market, and sell a software product written wholly by me.
I will move towards attaining my Microsoft Professional Developer Certification.
I will decide on a masters program, and if necessary take the GREs.

Economic:

I will save $2,500
I will pay off at least $7,000 of my personal loan.

While I think some of these will be harder to attain then others I think all are doable. Let's hope I'm right.

Where's your belt?

2009-12-22T13:01:00.001-08:00

I went lifting today, I've lifted at least twice a week for a few months now. However, as I was heading back to work a coworker stopped me and she asked me where my lifting belt was. When I told her I did not wear one she was somewhat surprised and provided the usual argument of safety, and not hurting your back, etc.

I don't lift with a belt, compression shirt, straps, gloves, or any other weight training safety aid. I don't use them because to use them is to gain a false sense of security. When in high school I wore a lifting belt and I lifted more weight, harder, with poorer form because I had the belt on and therefore was not thinking about my safety.

Without the belt I know I can get hurt, so I don't do anything stupid, if I loose a lift I drop the weight as opposed to trying to recover it. If my form deteriorates I either fix it or stop lifting, and because of this I've lifted for months without injury. My form has improved and with it my lifts themselves. I'm lifting more often, with heavier weights then I have before and I feel better knowing I'm doing so safely and with good habits. Habits I may have never developed with a belt.

Self Documenting Fallacy

2009-12-15T07:49:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a fair amount of coding these last few days, both at work and at home, and the one thing that kept floating through my head was the idea of self documenting code.

According to this theory comments, that is non-compiled language, should not be needed because the code itself should tell any developer what the code does.

As a childish example we have this snippet of code:

System.Out.Println("Hello World");

This is the first line of code most programmers write in a new language, all it does it print the words "Hello World" to the screen. Now, let's add a comment:

//Prints Hello World
System.Out.Println("Hello World");

In this context the idea of commenting seems absurd. It's one line of code and the comment shares many of the same words as the line of code it's documenting.

However most sections of code are not one line, and they certainly are not as trivial as a print statement. yet the belief persists that if you write good clean code then comments are not only unnecessary, they are actually counterproductive as they clutter the code and make it less readable.

Bullshit.

I have a hard time remembering what I had for breakfast, if I even ate breakfast, let alone what I was doing with a piece of code six months ago. Comments, when used judiciously to document tasks left undone, or pieces of code that need work, or methods that have some special behavior simply make sense.

I don't advocate commenting every line of code, nor do I advocate not commenting at all, but I do feel they have their place and should be used in a professional environment. However, that's a stance that seems to be all too uncommon these days.

Budget Woes

2009-12-02T13:58:00.001-08:00

I sat down today and looked at my budget.

It was not a fun exercise.

Based on my current income, and expenses, it will take me six years to pay my debt, not counting school loans, or interest. Figuring interest in maybe closer to seven years. It's not pretty. It's painful, and it really makes me hate myself for having gotten into this position. But, I know where I am, and I'm slowly digging myself out of the gaping hole I find myself in. I just wish it was easier, but I know it's not.

E-Love is in the air!

2009-12-01T14:54:00.000-08:00

It's so exciting, e-love is in the air!

Seriously. I recently had to experience what I have now termed e-love. E-love is when a couple spews their cutesy flirty shit all over the internet. This is made worse when it is done over a medium where I may have to actually read it, either intentionally, or inadvertently.

This is my first real exposure to E-love and I must say I don't understand. Call me jaded, call me out of touch, call me old and stodgy, I don't care. I simply fail to see the point of flirting in a public fashion that can be viewed by everyone.

Text, e-mail, phone calls, even IM's all make sense. It's a medium that allows two people, and only those two people, to converse, to connect, and in doing so their thoughts are shielded from the rest of the world. Carry on, well done. However E-love is conducted openly, usually on social networking sites, and frankly it disgusts me.

I don't want to know about you buying condoms, having sex, or how you miss your latest fling so much, that you can't stand to be apart. I, and I would hazard a guess that everyone else shares this opinion, do not want to know. Period, end of story, goodnight and good luck!

O-Dark Thirty

2009-11-30T13:19:00.001-08:00

I drove down to Pennsylvania yesterday. I woke up at 5:00am for the two and a half hour drive south.

I had little to do on the drive other then think, and as I watched the sun come up over the hills I realized I have seen more sunrises since getting married then in the ten years prior. Their were several mornings I was up early enough to see the sun rise in Vegas, and it simply felt good to be driving through the night and to slowly watch the sky lighten.

It's therapy, I wonder if the world would be a better place if every now and again everyone poured a cup of coffee and walked out into the dark to watch the sun come up over the horizon. It's not possible to feel anything but a sense of wonder when seemingly in an instant the world begins to lighten, then as the time passes the eastern sky turns from a dark purple, to blue, to red, orange, then yellow. Color spreads across the sky, it's simply beautiful, calming, and seems right somehow.

It was a good morning.

Disbelief, Confusion, and Mild Disgust

2009-11-24T10:35:00.000-08:00

I work, a lot.

I have a 9-5, I do web work, and I dabble in car repairs, Flash games, and C# applications. I help friends with coding homework and am looking to take my GRE in preparation for going back for my Masters degree.

I work, a lot. I expect no hand outs, and I like knowing that at the end of the month my bills are paid, and I'm current. I like that feeling.

I don't think it's rocket science. I make X, I spend X-Y where Y > 0; I then save Y, or of late use Y to pay off debt. It's not hard. I cut things from my budget, I spend wisely, and I go without. I'm not poor, but I am frugal.

It bothers the hell out of me when friends and acquaintances can't do the same. I've been poor. Not destitute, poor. I've been at the point where all I had left after rent and gas was enough for a pack of hot dogs for the week. I've cut everything out of my budget that was not 100% necessary. I don't think it's that hard to do. If you need it to survive, keep it. If it's a luxury, cut it. It's not hard.

Insert Princess Bride Reference

2009-11-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

So I did it. I succeeded in getting married. It wasn't easy, it certainly wasn't cheap but it's good to have it over and done with. Weddings are a royal pain to plan, vendors are nearly impossible to work with, and if I never have to go to another meeting with a florist I will be a happy man.

But I'm glad The Missus and I did it, I'm glad we did it right, with all, or at least most, of the trimmings. It was a fantastic night and hopefully I won't ever forget the anniversary!

Squats & Milk

2009-11-08T09:18:00.001-08:00

It seems like I've always been either starting a diet, on a diet, or coming off a diet. I'm currently in the "On a diet" part of that cycle.

Now, over the years I've tried most of the diets out there, and if you search this blog you will find other entries on this subject but I decided to immortalize my thoughts on dieting, and weight loss, as well as documenting my weight loss program.

This plan is taken in a large part from Stronglifts 5x5 and the general experiences of 10+ years of trying to lose weight.

Squats & Milk

Let's begin by looking at the way the body uses calories. It should be common knowledge that the body needs calories to function, and that an excess of calories makes us fat. Issues arise, when dieting, when we complicate this. I will use myself as an example, my BMR or Basal metabolic rate is ~3,400 calories. This means if I sat on the couch in a near vegetative state my body would burn 3,400 calories.

This number is important as it forms the base for all of your dieting efforts. If I want to gain weight I need to eat more then my BMR (ignoring exercise) if I want to maintain my weight I eat the calories I need, if I want to lose weight I consume less then my BMR. Still with me? Good!

Your BMR is determined by height, weight, and muscle content. Gain more muscle and your BMR goes up. More on this later!

Ok, let's take a look at a few no-no's.

Starving yourself. It's stupid. If you consume too few calories your body goes into a form of mayday mode, storing all calories as fat, your body then begins to cannibalize muscle. As mentioned earlier muscles require calories, even when at rest. Your body knows this and in a starvation situation your body will get rid of muscle over fat.
Cardio-a-go-go! Some cardio is great, it can jump start weight loss and is great for your heart. However, the miles a day jog slog that people seem to believe is a requirement simply isn't. Running is bad for your joints and does not build the muscle required to raise your BMR, the focal point of your Squats and Milk diet.
Fad Diets, are stupid. Atkins, No-Carb, South Beach, Detox, etc. etc. All they do is over complicate the simple truth that calories in < burned = weight loss.
Pills. There is no magic bullet. Work = weight loss. There is no shortcut.
Treadmills and elliptical, suck. These machines provide no more weight loss benefit then running in place does. Ignore them.

Ok, so let's look at the fundamental process of the Squats and Milk diet.

Determine your BMR.
Download the e-book at Stronglifts.com
Find a gym, or a weight set.
Decide how many lbs/week you want to lose. A good recommendation is 2.5lbs/week.
Decide your level of cardiovascular exercise. I recommend twice a week for an hour, as for activities, wrestling, Judo, swimming, are all preferred to running. Combat sports like Judo, Boxing, Wresting, BJJ, Kickboxing, Muay Thai are great ways to get a killer workout, learn, and they provide the group atmosphere that makes it easier to stick with it.

Now, we have our BMR (3,400 cal) We have our E-book, and the workout plan in it. We have a weight set, or gym with the necessary free weights, and we have decided to lose 2.5lbs a week, and we have decided on our cardio activity (Judo 2 x week) We are now ready to diet.

I want to lose 2.5 lbs, which means I have to cut 3,500 x 2.5 = 8750 calories per week from my diet. Put another way 1,250 calories per day. BMR - restriction (3,400 - 1,250) = 2,150 calories per day. To break it down even further, I can have 3 700 calorie meals in the course of the day. If I want to eat more, I exercise. If I want to lose more weight, I exercise without replacing the calories.

Now, as I lift weights, as I gain muscle, by BMR goes up. If I do not increase my caloric intake to match I will slowely increase my caloric defecit. This speeds my weight loss, and the weight training insures that my body does not canibalize the muscle I have.

Now, how do I keep track of what I've eaten? I keep a log, a spiral notepad to hand at all times, if it goes in my mouth it gets written down. I keep a running total of what I have eaten, and a plan for what I will eat. The end result is that I come down within a hundred calories of my goal every day.

If I "blow it" and have a bad day it's not a big deal as the plan is to keep a long view, dieting isn't a fast process, and one bad day will not ruin your diet. In fact, it can be liberating to have a hard workout then go out and splurge. Having the workout before helps to reduce the severity of the splurge, but the splurge is good for the soul. Just make sure it's an occasional splurge.

There you have it, weight lifting, and caloric restriction. the Squats and (Skim) Milk diet.

It's 3am

2009-11-08T00:30:00.000-08:00

I occasionally get the urge to write. Not necessarily about anything in particular, but just to write. It's calming. Tonight, at 3am was one of those times.

I had begun to worry myself sick, worrying about money, and cars, and at 3am that was plenty to get my stomach in knots. So, I got up and I decided to write. I hope it both calms me, and helps me sleep.

I had a good day, I got a lot of side work done, I only wish I could have devoted that much time to it before now. PesaPlay is coming along really well, to think that I managed to build a social-networking/fantasy stock trading site with no help, and minimal training makes me smile. It's a good feeling. All too often in my field you are left at the end of the day with nothing to show for your labor. Nothing tangible you can point to and say "I built that" well now I can say, I built PesaPlay, and that makes me feel really, really, good.

I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm in debt. But it feels good to acknowledge what I made, what I built, and what I will continue to shape and build. It's a really, really, good feeling.

Digital Backup

2009-11-08T00:23:00.000-08:00

These are the vows Jackie and I wrote for our wedding, they were spoken prior to an agreed upon set of Humanist vows. I wanted to make sure I had them backed up, so I'm putting them here for safe keeping.

Jackie

You once told me that if I did not propose I was in danger of being kicked to the curb. Fortunately, I had been debating proposing for months before entering, what I called, "curb kicking range" however, I was scared. I was afraid of the unknown, afraid of committing to a relationship that has had it's ups and downs. Yet, as I drove down to Ithaca to pick up your ring I knew, despite the jitters, that I was doing the right thing. You know I look to avoid risk at all costs, that I would rather take the long, safe, road then the unknown path. Yet, when I'm with you the risk doesn't seem so scary, things just seem to work out. It's like you always tell me, "We will make it work"

If I've learned anything in the years I've been with you it is that, we will make it work. I love you. I have looked forward to this day for years, ever since a glass of water, and a kiss in your parents kitchen. I did not know then that we would be standing here one day, but I knew in that instant I had found someone magical, someone perfect. You.

You know I don't make promises lightly, yet I want to make a few simple promises to you today. I promise to love you, through the good times, the bad times, and all the times in-between. I promise to talk, always to talk, even when it's hard, even when I'm scared. I promise to trust you, and to take the risks, because with you they will always work out. I promise to keep your toes warm and your shoulders covered on cold winter nights. I promise to remember the fabric softener, and to not leave clothes in the dryer. I promise to always have a gallon of milk in the fridge, and I'll try to remember to refill the water jug. Lastly, I promise to be there for you, every day, for the rest of our lives, and to never leave you again. I love you Miss Jacqueline Kay Corp, and today you have made me the happiest man alive.

And now, Jackies vows:

Christopher:

I spent many hours debating what I wanted to say to you, and if I was comfortable saying it in public. If you’re hearing these words, that means I made it past those points. That’s what I’m so grateful for when I’m with you: you always help me past ‘those’ points. I remember when you started to court me, you asked me for my phone number to call me. I laughed and told you I was listed in the directory, but you said you wanted to hear the number come from me. I think it was a matter of pride for you to hear me say it. I blushed and looked at you. I wouldn’t have told anyone else ‘469-8872’ if they had asked. I would have said, “Look it up, it won’t kill you.” But that’s what you do to me. You give me strength, and a faith in myself that no-one else can. It is because of this that I said yes to this whole….commitment. I love you. I promise you that. I also promise to always respect you, to continue to hold my tongue when you spout off some foolish idea. I promise to laugh with you, and grow with you. I promise to treat you as the first priority in my life, though I may need some reminding. I promise to harass you about cleaning the cat’s litter box, every day, until it gets done. But on the flip side, I promise to protect you from the kitties and their epic battles, even if it is hilarious to watch you get climbed on…I don’t know what else to say. Oh yeah. For all the times you’ll never hear it when we inevitably fight: I’m sorry. I do love you. And no, those pants don’t make you look fat.

NAAFA: The Hell?

2009-10-21T13:15:00.000-07:00

So, I stumbled across NAAFA, or the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. Say that ten times fast. Thier website can be found here: NAAFA. Now, I'm not thin, and I'll be the first person to tell you that traditional BMI calculations suck. But let's take a look at some of NAAFA's claims.

First: Size Descrimination

Size Discrimination Consequences are Real!

Creates medical and psychological effects
Results in wage disparity
Affects hiring and promotion
Affects academic options and advancement

Let's take a good long look at this. They claim that based on SIZE that people are being descriminated on. They demand equal protection under civil rights laws that place SIZE on the same plane as sex, age, race, color, and sexual orientation.

Let me run that by you again in case you missed the humor. SIZE which is controllable through discupline, exercise, and coloric restriction on the same plane as factors which can not be controlled like sex, race, color, ethnicity, and sexual orientation.

So, a man who is fat has the same right to be protected as a man who is black? or gay? Seriously?

Am I the only one completely flabergasted by this?

They then go on to ask why do people descriminate, and they supply this gem:

"People fail to lose weight because of poor self-discipline and willpower"

Now, people who are unable to control their caloric intake, or manage a regular exercise schedule, often due to a lack of self control or will power.... do I promote them, or someone who shows the physical qualities of being able to control their body and motivate themselves to exercise regularly. Tough choice. Do I promote the undisciplinced "large" person, or the disciplined "thin" person. Man, tough choice!

I'll be honest, I'm far from thin. I'm certainlyt not the svelt specimine I could be. But I exercise, I'm cognizent of my diet, and I do my best to maintain, if not reduce, my body weight. At no point in my life have I ever felt that it would be apropriate to look at morbidly obese individuals as anything but people with a complete and utter lack of self-discipline and motivation.

I'm beyond words, this is simply too stupid.

Goodbye Ol' Friend

2009-10-12T14:38:00.000-07:00

I said goodbye to a friend yesterday.

I don't get emotional all that often but last night I nearly cried.

I sold my car, it's stupid I know, but anyone who thinks cars lack a soul has never owned a good car. Not an expensive car, a good car.

I went everywhere in that car. I fixed her, I drove her, in times of financial hardship I neglected her, but she ran anyway. Every morning, no matter how cold, I turned the key and she started. I know every rattle, every creak, I've gotten into more trouble, and she's gotten me back out more times then I can figure. I've slept in her, and she's gotten me home when I probably shouldn't have. I've banked her in the snow, and dug, and pushed her back out.

I love that car. Letting her go hurt more then I thought it would.She wasn't my first, nor my last but she was the first car I could truly call mine. I bought her, albeit with borrowed money, but I bought her. I put my foot down and for the first time in my life got the car I wanted.

As far as I'm considered she was perfect. I sold her to a friend, to pay for my wedding, I only hope he treats her well, keeps her oil changed, better then I did, and in the end I hope she has a long life ahead of her.

I know it's futile....

2009-10-05T08:24:00.000-07:00

I have several family members who are Republican. That's not necessarily a reason to shun them, but it's close. One of these family members, we will call him "Mark", forwarded me an e-mail to the effect of how Federal Health Care was doomed to failure, and because other federal programs have problems Federal Health Care was equally doomed.

So, in honor of "Mark" I bring you the NFO (Nuke From Orbit) for today, October 5th.

Step 1: Identify a problem
Step 2: Propose a solution

Without step 2, it's just whining.

Have you ever gone without insurance?
Have you ever laid in bed at night and listened to the woman you love fight for breath because of a set of enlarged tonsils she can't get taken out because she doesn't have insurance?
Have you ever had to wait five months, calling daily, do hear back from Medicaid only to finally be approved and then a week later be told you don't have it any more because you did not submit the proper paperwork? Paperwork you never received.
Have you ever been turned down by a doctor, with cash in hand, because they only take people with insurance?
Have you ever had to cheap out on the insurance you could get because the cost of the better insurance would mean you're not able to pay the rest of your bills?

Guess what, I have.

Have you really sat and THOUGHT about the stupid, inane, crap you decide to forward? Have you really sat and thought about the state of health care in this country? If you think you have, then I have a wake-up call for you, you're privilege is showing. You're white, middle-class and I guarantee you have never gone a day without insurance. I have. My fiancee has. You want to know what is broke? Health care in this country is broke. I don't see you proposing any solution.

Today's NFO brought to you by people who are incapable of thinking outside their little white middle-class suburbia world.

It's a Secret

2009-10-04T17:47:00.000-07:00

I started reading PostSecret a month and a half ago. Most of the "secrets" are cute, funny, benign, or just... odd. However, every now and again one comes across the screen that makes me pause, or think, or just makes me sad. It's not often I'm moved to comment but I saw this and simply had to say something.

At first I was taken aback, saddened by the confession, the fact that someone could be so uncaring to effect another person in such a fashion, but then I sat and thought for a moment and really asked myself why did it bother me. I did not identify with the situation directly, so why did it upset me. Why did it effect me in such a visceral manner?

It was not an easy thing...

I understand the longing. I understand wanting to go back in time, to do things you did not get a chance to do, and I understand regretting opportunities missed. I understand laying awake at night and wondering "what if?" I wonder if, had I made different choices, would I have been happier? Sadder? Or would I still have ended up in Rochester, still ended up working where I am. Could I really have changed things? Or, would I have just ruined what I had?

I'll never know.

I Abhor Risk.

2009-10-02T11:40:00.000-07:00

I can not state that clearly, or forcefully enough, I abhor risk. I loathe it, detest it, and if given the chance would never encounter it in a million years. I prefer things to be controlled, calculated, and predictable.

However, there are times when one must take a risk. Usually, in my case at least, this risk comes back to haunt me ten-fold. I took a risk a few months back, and as usual, that risk is coming back ten-fold.

I bought a car.

That in and of itself does not seem too frightening. I'm sure in my life I will do it again. However, I bought a car that did not run. I bought it for $200 with the intent to put a new engine in it and re-sell the car. Put a new engine in it I did, and a few other odds and ends, to the tune of $2,000. Nearly all of it on credit, and that was the risk.

That is the risk that is coming back to haunt me because, simply put, I can't manage to sell the damn thing. I originally was asking $5,500 that rapidly dropped to $4,500 and at the rate it's going the price may drop again. Why? Because I need to sell the car, and right now any money is better then no money.

I've re-learned a lesson I swore I knew already. Risk never pays.

Web Design, Week 2

2009-09-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

I taught my second web design course last night at the Genesee Center for the Arts in Rochester.

I love to teach, I love watching students "get it" I love the look on their faces when the vision in their head starts to take shape on the screen in front of them.

I've done web development both professionally and as a hobby for awhile now and while I love delivering a solid product to a customer there is always that disconnect. People simply do not have any concept of how long building a site takes, let alone the effort in maintaining the site, and the content, and keeping everything organized, current, and working.

It's good to work with people who have sat in front of a screen and written code, even a little, it makes them slightly more tolerant of the time, and effort, that it takes to build websites.

With luck this job may turn into one or more lucrative side contracts. It's not much, but it may prove to be a launching pad for my company and hopefully a ticket to securely running my own business.

Pages 21-34

2009-09-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

One of the great things about growing up is learning to pick your battles. Learning what fights are worth fighting, and which ones are not. I always thought that was one of the crucial first steps in transitioning from an adolescent to an adult. That is, learning when to fight, and when not to.

However, it seems that learning what battles to fight, and accepting the outcome are two different steps on the path to maturity. It also seems that knowing what battles to fight BEFORE they come, and go, is another skill I have yet to master. Or, as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

I have few enough regrets, I think I've picked my battles well, at least lately. It's just that there alas seems to be one, or two, or three more I should have fought and only realized they were "that kind" of fight till it was over and done.

Four Willing Victims: The First Class

2009-09-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

I taught my first web design course at the Genesee Center for the Arts.

Four students, one instructor, in a classroom the size of a large broom closet. Luckily there is AC.

Anyway, I went in thinking we would spend the two and a half hour class going over the basics of HTML, the internet, web page design, and maybe write a little code. We did all that in less then an hour. I decided then to carry on and see how far we could get. After going over most of the basic tags in HTML, having the students try out some samples, discussing color and layout considerations, and touching on the legality, or illegality of nabbing random photos off the internet we called it a night. It was a good class, I'm excited, confident, and happy. We shall see what next week brings!

To My Grandfather

2009-09-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I've thought about writing this for awhile, and finally decided to do it. Consider this an open letter. I know it doesn't do me any good as it comes years late but I'd rather be late then never say it at all.

I know we were not close, I would not say we did not get along, but we certainly spoke a different language. You came from a life of working with your hands, fixing things, building things, and when you were alive I was stuck in a digital world, computers meant more to me then tangible objects. I guess, to a point, they still do.

I was too young to understand the value of the information you could have imparted. I've said many times how I wish you were still around so I could pick your brain, learn from you, work with you. I would imagine you would have had no problem with coming to Rochester to help me tear apart a car, and I'm sure I would have made fewer mistakes under your guidance.

I'm sure a case of beer would have changed hands, but that would have been a small enough price to pay.

I find myself wondering about things, tangible real world things, like 120v wiring, and how best to tear apart my apartments bathroom sink to clean out the trap. Questions I'm sure you could have answered in a matter of moments.

I guess this all boils down to I'm sorry I did not realize what I had until it was long gone.

Dead End

2009-09-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

I've been swapping doors on the '99 Subaru Outback Legacy for a few weeks now. Slowly working through the snags, issues, hold-ups, and problems. I would like to say I've been doing so with good grace and tact, but that would be a lie.

I managed to swap the drivers side rear door. I managed to get the drivers door apart only to find that in the door I had pulled there is either a) some non-standard components, or b) a dealer added "feature" and I can not tell what it does, and why it's there.

So, I'm currently stuck. It's frustrating but I'm doing my research and once I know what I'm dealing with I will know best how to proceed.

It's 2am, and I just can't sleep.

2009-08-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

I've always dealt with depression. I know I've mentioned it here before. I know I've always dealt with it, in some good ways, and in some bad. Tonight's not a good night. I haven't had a truly bad night in a long while but tonight, tonight is bad. I'm worrying myself sick over things I can't change. Either the money will be there, or it won't. Either the wedding bills will get paid, or they won't. I know worrying myself sick over it won't change a thing, but it's still 2am and I still can't sleep.

I took a risk, I've taken more risks in recent memory then I have in all my 22.5 preceding years. All that risk is starting to take a toll on my spirit. I'm tired, sick of fighting to keep the bills paid and tired of worrying that I might not make it this month.

I know I'll keep plodding, but it really hurts to know that this is all I have to look forward to. Debt, and the ever present worry that maybe I took one risk too many and I'm not going to make it.

Rear Wiper's Done!

2009-08-21T09:01:00.000-07:00

I feel like bragging. It's stupid, juvenile but dammit it's mine and it makes me feel good, a feeling that has been absent all too frequently of late.

I fixed it. Me. With my own two hands, some luck, and my God given 290lb frame aided by leverage and penetrating oil.

Let me elaborate. Years ago a friend managed to burn out the rear wiper motor on my fiancee's 99 Subaru Legacy Outback. When we looked at parts it rapidly became apparent that the cost of a new motor was out of reach. Several hundred for the part, plus installation. Fast forward a year to the Auburn Pick n' Pull. I found several Subaru's with intact (hopefully working) rear wiper motors. I pulled one and took it home. Figured out how to get the assembly apart and then back together. I flicked the switch and all I got was "click", "click", "click" of the motor struggling to turn. I knew the motor was good, but something else was wrong.

I struggled with alignment, and bolts, and the like for a few days and finally gave up in frustration convinced I was missing some vital piece of information. I then purchased the manual for the car only to be told, by said manual, that the "replacement" for the motor was to replace the entire assembly. Great.

So I walked away for a few days, let things percolate. Then, I decided to remove the assembly from the tailgate and take it to a shop to be diagnosed. Maybe the techs at the dealer would be able to tell me what I was missing. So, I began to take the rear wiper assembly apart. First the cover, then the retaining nut, and arm. One universal constant began to emerge. Rust. It was everywhere, the entire assembly had set into a solid block of rust. I began to have a theory. What if it was not the assembly that was misaligned, what if it was simply rusted together! So, I removed the new motor and the gear and level inside of the assembly leaving only the small toothed gear that connected to the arm. I removed the locking nut and with pliers, luck, and a fair amount of penetrating oil I got the arm off the shaft. Then I stopped, I was staring at a 22mm nut and my biggest wrench was 19mm. So, after asking to local parts store for loaner tools, they had nothing that big, I got creative.

A big pair of pliers, even more penetrating oil, and some elbow grease later and the nut moved, just a bit, then a bit more, then freely. I checked inside the assembly and the little toothed gear moved as well. Victory!

I re-assembled the interior, put the arm back on, tightened the whole mess down, and hit the switch. it moved! In the wrong direction. I was wiping my license plate.

So, I turned the switch off, noting that the motor returned to the "start" position on it's own. I repositioned the arm thinking things were just mis-aligned. Tightened everything back down, and hit the switch again. Still wiping the license plate. Things were 180 degrees backwards. I was stumped. I knew I had put everything back right.

So, I walked away, wandered inside and lamented to The Missus that I was so close, but backwards. She looked up from her laptop and with the most flippant of tone said "Do you have the motor in backwards?" I stopped in my tracks, as if hit between the eyes.

It was really that simple.

Gotta love the woman.

Ok, let's try this again

2009-08-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

Life has gotten hectic lately. I seem to be saying that a lot, and it's all true. But I'm taking steps to get things back in balance, and with some luck get moving in the right direction.

I've been off my diet for months, and the weight has come back. Not entirely, but close. I'm not happy with that at all. I've also gotten so wrapped up in side work that I'm forgetting, or forfeiting, my exercise to get other things done. That stops today.

I'm also back on Fit Day and I've set myself a much more reasonable weight goal, over a much longer span of time.

I've ordered The Naked Warrior, a book on body weight exercises for strength training. My reasoning is simple, I do not have the consistent motivation to drive to R.I.T. three+ times a week to work out. I need a program that requires little to no equipment, and that I can do anywhere, anytime, on a moments notice. Body weight exercises are the only thing that fits that bill.

I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about Judo, and if I want to get back to competing. I've decided I do. Going to the Pennsylvania Open, and two club tournaments and getting pinned or thrown every match hurt my pride, a lot. It also made me question the worth of competing in light of the cost incurred. There was a long while when I simply did not think it was worth my time to compete, given that I felt a loss was a sure thing. I still don't think I'm ready, but the only way to find out is to try. I'm debating going back to Saunders BJJ to get more ground work training as that is a HUGE weakness in my game. Time, and money, will tell.

Lastly, cars. I've been fixing up the 96 Honda Civic, and the 99 Subaru Outback. I've learned a ton, spent a fair amount of money on parts and tools, but most importantly I've rediscovered a love of working with my hands that has lain dormant for far too long. There is a sense of accomplishment when you fix something tangible, physical, that there simply is no digital analog for. It's a good feeling.

Maybe I'm Wrong

2009-08-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

But I doubt it.

I have often wondered why the unpopular opinion is viewed as wrong, simply because it's unpopular. I grew up privileged. I had a stable home life, food, clothes, and a solid education, things I know not everyone has. But I refuse, simply and adamantly refuse, to cut people slack because they did not grow up with those same "privileges". It's not my background, or my family, or my race, class, or checkbook that got me where I am today. It's me, I got me to where I am today.

I did not have to graduate, I could have dropped out, but I knew I needed to graduate. I could have gotten someone pregnant, but I didn't. I could have gotten into crime, drugs, and violence but I did not. I did not have to go to college, but I chose to. I did not have to spend week after week, night after sleepless night, busting my ass till I graduated. But I did. Why? Because I knew it was the right thing to do.

I hate it when people who did the right thing make excuses for those who didn't. I did not get anyone pregnant, so why should I pay for your kid? You want a better job? Then work for it. Earn it. Maybe if you work, and scrimp, and save then your kids will have a better life then you, and then maybe if they do the same their kids will have a better life then they had. That's how it works. It sucks, it's hard.

Tough.

Still Here

2009-08-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

Still engaged.

"The Talk" turned out to be much less dramatic then it could have been. Which is good.

It's been awhile....

2009-08-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry.

I know this has lain dormant for awhile. Truth be told writing is therapeutic to me, and so I tend to write when things are bad. Things have been good. Too good I guess.

I've tended to keep my personal life, and the lives of those around me, off the net. It's not paranoia as much as it is good common sense. Yet I'm going to stretch that rule a little bit because I need to write.

As I said life has been good, The Missus got a new car when her old car ran into some mechanical problems, problems I was able to fix. So now we have a spare car, which is a good feeling, and if I can get her fixed up we hope to sell it for a fair chunk of change. We won a free vacation, and ended up buying new cookware, that oddly enough came with a free cruise. I'm basically caught up on bills, and have even begun to put a little away. Not much, but a bit. The Missus got a job, and with the added income I should be able to start clawing our way out of debt. It was a good feeling. Wedding planning is almost done, and the honeymoon is planned and the down payment has been paid.

Things fell apart today though. Well, it started last night. What should have been a minor tiff blew up in my face. The resulting fight continued until today and resulted in The Missus and I needing to have a talk. A talk about if we want to keep trying to make things work, or not. I can't say I'm surprised. I started a post a few months ago on a similar subject, and the resulting fight, but never published it. I guess we will see if I'm still engaged tomorrow. I hope I will be, but I've grown awfully tired of living on hope and credit.

Shape of Things to Come

2009-07-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm faced with an interesting choice.

Over the past few months I've learned a few things, a few painful truths, the most important being that making money is hard. It's a padded pain in the ass and frankly I should have seen it coming from the start.

Most Entrepreneurs starve. I'm slowly coaxing a business into the light but I'm faced with a conundrum. I'm broke. Not wholly, but awfully close. Debt is mounting in the form of the ever-present pile of wedding expenses, and my time is at an all time low. Between work, and exercise, and sleep I'm left with precious few moments to actually do anything that could generate extra revenue. Add to this the frighteningly low profit/hour of website work and I find myself squarely between a rock and a hard place.

I need to find a way to generate recurring revenue. However, website design is not it. It takes me hours to build a site from scratch, and at $125-$250 a site I'm coming in around $10-$12 an hour. Add to this the fact that most people are content with a Geocities-esque disaster it makes it even harder to get people to bite, even with my measly price tag.

I've looked into teaching but the gigs I'm finding pay roughly the same amount per hour and are sporadic. hardly enough to live on.

So, I'm expanding my business. I'm looking to add a few stand-alone sites. My objective is simple. Build a site, generate traffic and through either ad-revenue, Google ads, or pay-to-play services start generating revenue.

However, the issue is that it's a long-term plan. Getting a site from zero, to generating revenue can take months if it happens at all. I'm taking another risk, I've been doing that a lot lately, and I would love to say it scares me but truth be told I don't care anymore. I need something to work, I need something to produce some steady income so I can get the bills paid. I just hope I get somewhere sooner, rather then later.

Cars, Parts, Tools, and Time

2009-06-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

I once had a friend tell me that the easiest way to learn to fix a car was to have a car, and be poor, at the same time. I presently fit that description to a tee.

Yes, I could take one, or both, of my cars to a shop. Have them looked at, fixed, and pay a mechanic a frankly exorbitant sum to take the problem out of my hands. But if I were to do that I would, one be unable to do anything else with the money that would be spent, and two have learned nothing.

If web design has shown me anything it's that there are professions that thrive on ignorance. Book keepers, mechanics, repair people of every ilk, and techies all thrive because everyone else wishes to live in complete, blissful, ignorance. While those in the know cash in on that desire to remain blissfully unaware.

Anyone can repair a car, build a computer, write a website, balance a checkbook. There is no mystery, no mystical force that enables one to do these things, it simply requires the tools, the time, and the desire to learn.

I have the desire, some of the tools, and ample opportunities to practice.

It always starts small, an oil change, a filter, gaskets, hoses, then it moves up, brakes, drums, plugs, then to the alternator, the starter, the radiator, after that your only limited by your tools, and your time.

Certain tools make life much easier, but are often out of reach of anyone but a shop. Tools like an arm lift, or a high capacity air compressor. Some other tools are simply cost-prohibitive, or space prohibitive. Tools that fall into this category are most tire tools, and alignment racks.

However, most of the above tools aren't necessarily required. Obviously most DIY mechanics won't rebuild their engine, or transmission. But anything else from the body panels to the electronics can be fixed, upgraded, modified, and diagnosed with hand tools and practice.

Let's see how far I go.

24 Going on 65

2009-06-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

It's the little things that cause problems. It's standing in your bathroom dripping wet from a shower when The Missus realizes that her little sister broke her $100 dollar Sonicare toothbrush and decided not to tell anyone when it hits you, the simple gut wrenching truth that this is simply it. Your going to spend the rest of your adult life scraping for money in hopes to get far enough ahead to take a day off and there will always be something breaking, something coming due, something needing paid and there will simply never be enough money.

It's the truth that makes you feel sick and feel like crying and just saying forget it. It's the knowledge that if it isn't something today, it will be something tomorrow and the only way out is to die. Death, and taxes.

Lemonade Stand

2009-06-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

I've been playing Mafia Wars lately, a click based browser game on Facebook. I like it, it has potential, and in terms of ways to waste five minutes at work it's ideal.

But it's far from perfect. Mafia Wars allows you to have a "Mafia" made up of all your Facebook friends who also play Mafia Wars. While this seems good in theory it has created an environment where groups have formed for the express purpose of getting 501 "friends" who all play Mafia Wars. This seriously unbalances the game and reduces the "fun" factor. This also leads to "farming" where a well equipped player will attack a smaller player over and over, winning each time, and decimating the other player.

So, I'm going to make my own game.

I'm thinking the old lemonade stand type game, with a twist.

I want to use the old click based interface, and the incremental gain of money and "energy" in line with Mafia Wars. However, your "block" in the game will be a 10x10 section of suburbia. Ten players per block. You can expand your lemonade empire into other sections of the neighborhood, build new stands, and sabotage other stands. However, unlike Mafia wars if you have a "bad apple" on your block you can vote, or buy, him/her off the block. This will provide a way to get abusive players gone, and hopefully mean I'll make a little side money.

Once players reach a certain size they can "graduate" to tougher blocks. This will keep the game interesting and mean that bigger players can't farm lower level starting players. I'm also looking to implement this so that groups of friends can be on the same block together.

I'm going to develop the idea bit farther and see what comes of it.

8 Days

2009-06-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

It's been just over a week since I "went live" and just shy of two weeks since I paid for hosting and got this insanity rolling. Back date that a bit for when I actually started working on code and you have a business that is roughly three weeks old.

Three weeks, it seems like longer.

I've come a long way in three weeks, though I've still not made a dime. My skills at web design and composition have improved by leaps and bounds, I now look back at sites I built a few months ago and balk at the crude, almost childish, design. I'm sure in a few more months time I'll go through the same process again.

Most of the issues come from a lack of understanding, a lack of time, and a lack of experience. I need the time to write the code, test the code, and develop the process's that will enable me to run a business smoothly. I see shortcomings in my code, in the way I have written things, code that is not even a month old. These shortcomings came from a lack of experience and a desire, at the time, to get anything working. Now, I find myself needing to go back and re-do, and re-test to make sure that now, when I do it right, that everything still works.

My initial flights of fancy made it seem like a walk in the park, a few contracts, paid up front, and voila, thousands come rolling in. Reality has set in, it has been a struggle, and I'm sure will continue to be a struggle. Advertising, and generating traffic to the site is painfully slow. While I am further hampered by a lack of disposable income.

I keep maintaining the belief that if I can just make that first sale, no matter how small, that would give me a little bit of money to spend, to hopefully make a little bit more money. I know that I need to sit down for hours and code, but I find it hard to devote the time. I know what I need to do, but convincing the other people in my life that it is what needs done takes some work...

Oh well, it's only been 8 days.

All Money's Not Created Equal

2009-06-08T06:04:00.000-07:00

I've always thought money is money, and more money is better then less. However I'm finding that I'd rather have less money, more often.

This all stems from my business slowly getting moving. I have roughly a thousand dollars of contract income that I'm working to secure. Contract income is great, it's a lump sum, paid at once, and I do the work and life is good. However, the issue is that unless I secure another contract that income is all I get. If I make a thousand dollars, once, that's it. I need to go out and look for more contracts, more income, and that takes time, and effort, and a lot of repetitive work.

In short, it's less profitable in the long run because I have to put more effort into each contract.

On the other end of the spectrum is recurrent income. This is what I want more of, and for the life of me can't seem to get. This income comes from people licensing my software, buying hosting, etc. This is better for me because it's a lower cost per sale. I convince a person to license my software for $25 a month, or $50, or a $100 a month. They pay monthly, or the year up front, but the important factor is that it's recurring. Even if they pay the year in advance I know barring something going wrong I have that same payment to look forward to a year from now.

The issue of course is it requires a customer to buy in, to commit to purchasing a service and the associated cost. I've yet to find someone willing to do that. I've got two business's in the works but nobody has signed anything official.

I'm moving forward, and it's a good feeling, hopefully this is the start of something quite profitable.

Call Me Crazy

2009-06-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

But I'm going to run a 6k race, in eight days.

As I write this I can run 2k.

The plan is simple. I need to be able to run three 2k stints (1.25 miles) with short, 1-2 minute breaks in between. I'm going to hit the track tonight, aiming for a 2k stint, then walking a 400m "rest" then trying for another 2k.

Why am I doing this? Simple. My father asked me to. Now, he and I haven't always gotten along great but when he asks I do my best to come through. He wants me to run a biathlon with him and I'm going to do my best. I haven't handled a rifle in years... but that is neither here, nor there.

Wish me luck, this is going to hurt.

Dear Joe,

2009-06-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a post complaining about laypeople and their effects on me. Specifically laypeople who simply do not realize what goes into maintaining a website, updating, improving, and the day-to-day grind of keeping a site current.

But there's simply no point.

Most people who aren't in a profession can not understand what is required. Why do you think most people who say they could do a better job then their server have never served? I deal with people on a day-to-day basis who have never written a line of code. They have never spent hours trying to get a few hundred lines to do what they want them to do, as opposed to what they seem hell bent on doing.

I'm trying to allow the laymen to peer into my world, to comprehend on some level, exactly what I do. I simply can't do it fast enough.

It Was Just One of Those Days

2009-06-01T20:38:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling low for a few days. Not terribly depressed, just.. off. It all came to a head today, a ten hour day, culminating in not getting the work done that I needed to get done. Add to this the fact that I missed Judo and your beginning to see why I was feeling a bit off. So, in an attempt to cheer myself up I decided to go to the gym. My lifts were decent, as good as could be expected given the fact I haven't lifted in weeks but it seemed like I was surrounded by the cut frat boys who make every lift look easy. Just bothers me.

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

So it Begins

2009-05-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

I uploaded my PHPCMS demo site to http://www.demo.oc2software.com this morning. It's not complete, it's not even functional, and it's a blatant rip-off of another site I'm building.

But it's up.

I have a To-Do list as long as I am tall, functionality that needs to be implemented and tested, a sales pitch that needs to be developed, not to mention my companies site that needs to be built and uploaded.

My companies site...

I haven't made a dime, or sold a line of code, but it's mine. It could go nowhere, not even break even, yet at the end of the day it's mine and that's not half bad.

To everyone who expressed doubt, I did it. To those few who told me to go for it, thanks. For those who I've slighted, ignored, and spent far too little time with these past few weeks.... I owe you one.

Only time will tell if I'm successful or not, but I hope I've stacked the cards in my favor and with a little luck I hope to make a go for it, and if all goes well.... well, we shall see.

As a side note... this post is my blog's 88th post. Just saying.

Entrepreneur is REALLY Hard to Spell

2009-05-27T09:16:00.001-07:00

Seriously!

I've always toyed with running my own business, striking out on my own, setting my own hours and having the money pour in. I figured that all I needed was an idea, a thing, to market and sell and people would buy it and I'd be set!

Then I got older, there's something about age, and the pressures that come with it that make most people quietly accept mediocrity. People settle, they find something known and comfortable and they stay there. They get a degree because they are told to, and they get a job that pays the bills, and they take their vacation in the summer, and they slowly sink into obscurity.

I was sitting at IHOP one day, waiting for The Missus to get back from visiting with her family and I realized I wasn't happy. I could feel myself stagnating. I could feel that drive, that urge to just go fading. I did not like it. I began to think about what I needed, what was stopping me from doing what I wanted to do. Two things stood out clearly, a lack of time, and a lack of money.

Time, was the hard one. But money was an issue I could fix. I needed something I could do that would bring in some additional income, first to pay for my upcoming wedding, and then to allow me to do thinks that were a little crazier like seeing Europe, or skydiving, or buying a ridiculously expensive bottle of bourbon. In short, I wanted to live, and needed to find a way to finance it.

So I resolved to do something, and given my training and schooling I settled on something technical. However, it seems that even the mention of starting a business gets the sheep, I mean people, upset. Most people I consider friends warned me to not start, there was too much risk, it would never work, the Tech Crash of the 90's was brought up as a warning against doing anything.... different.

I refused to listen.

I had an idea, and I was going to give it a go.

But I knew I had to be careful, I knew some of the issues I was likely going to run into and I thought I knew how to deal with them.

Requirements:

Profit - If it doesn't make money then it's not worth doing.
Time - I don't have much, so if it takes too much hand-holding it's not worth doing.
Speed - I have to be able to design, develop, implement, and sell my idea quickly.

Profit: I knew the best way to make money was to get a large number of people paying a little bit. it's also a lot easier to convince someone to part with a few hundred dollars over a few thousand.

Time: I needed a product that would manage itself, of course I'd have to update it, and test it, and do the installs and setups but I wanted to keep the individual installs to less then an hour or two.

Speed: I needed to raise roughly $5,000 by October 25th. A wedding is a great motivator. That and school loans, and personal loans, and car repairs.... you get the idea.

But I needed to keep an eye on what could keep me from succeeding, and deal with those factors now.

Issues:

Overhead - The anti-profit. Too much overhead and I would loose money.
Contracts - If things went south I wanted to be able to get out and not be locked in to long term contracts.
Product Differentiation - I needed to do something different, or what was the point

Overhead: This one was easy. I develop my code on free software, work alone, and run my own hosting.

Contracts: Everything I sign up for, every account, must be able to be canceled on a moments notice.

Product Differentiation: This was the hardest, simply put WYSIWYG editors are a dime a dozen, and most people simply don't care enough to tell the difference between good clean code and WYSIWYG code. So, instead of doing something novel I decided to do a lot of common things, only better. I would provide everything a small business owner would need, and make sure that they did not have to worry about a thing.

I'm going to give this a shot. Success or failure is simple, if I can turn a profit, and make enough money to to pay for the wedding and honeymoon then I will consider this a success. If I make more then that, and can use the extra income to help pay down my loans even better. Only time will tell.

Fits & Spurts

2009-05-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

I find myself updating this blog in well, fits & spurts. The Missus will demand a blog update, or I'll find something worth posting, or I'll be struck by inspiration but barring those occurrences, I don't update as much as I thought I would.

It doesn't help that most of my views ended up cataloged within the first dozen posts, that I try to keep my personal life offline, and talking about work is simply... boring. I could promise to update more, find more engrossing subjects for my audience of two or three, but I like things this way.

I'm never going to be a "professional" blogger, nor do I have any interest in doing so. Nor do I think that my washy libertarian viewpoint would ever attract more then an audience of two.

I blog as therapy, often whole posts are written, then deleted, as I needed to write more then I needed to post. Often I post here as an outlet. I like my little corner of the internet, it's quiet, and they know me here.

I Want This Shirt

2009-05-18T12:29:00.001-07:00

That's the simple, uncomplicated, uncomfortable truth.

Shirt Text:

Gun Control: The theory that a woman found dead in an alley, raped and strangled with her own pantyhose, is somehow morally superior to a woman explaining to police how her attacker got that fatal bullet wound.

Fighting & Women

2009-05-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of my time thinking about fighting, and a lot of my time thinking about the women in my life, so it is only natural that every now and again these two themes combine and I begin thinking about women and fighting.

Most women are not attracted to the martial arts, and they are especially not attracted to what I refer to as "functional" martial arts. Functional arts being those that require you to sweat, get hit, and generally learn to fight. I'd love to think that one day women will learn to fight the same as their male counterparts and we will somehow shed this perception that women are weaker, frailer beings and shouldn't know how to fight, shouldn't have to fight.

I train in Judo and Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu, both functional arts, both require me to sweat, struggle, fight. There are two women in my Judo club, none in my BJJ club. Why? Because women almost as a rule do not think about fighting. One day, or a couple hour long, "self defense" classes are rampant spreading a false sense of security and doing little to keep those that take them safe.

I love watching a woman fight. I love watching the speed and agility that women seem to have naturally and I love knowing that at least there is one woman who knows how to defend herself if the need should arise.

I know I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again, but women need to get hit. Women need to know what it's like to have a larger, stronger, resisting opponent doing his or her best to cause them harm and once they know what it's like they need to know what to do about it, and hopefully how to prevent it.

It's Been 2,920 Days

2009-05-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

Well, Almost.

On May 25th, 2009 I will have been with the same lovely young lady for eight years, we will have been engaged for just over a year, and five months, to the day, from our wedding.

I'd love to say it has always been an idyllic courtship. I would love to say we have never fought, never quarreled, never said things we regret but that simply would not be true. We have had our spats, our breakups, some lasting for days, others months. We have both walked away at least once, yet we always seem to come back.

I love her.

I love the fact that her feet are freezing, every day, no matter what. I love her aversion to socks and shoes, and her preference for flip-flops and cargo shorts. I love her hair and the fact that it will never stay in a braid, or bun, but instead will fly around her face in little wisps. I love her walking around with her hair in a towel, and how the towel never seems to end up hung up once she's dried off. Ever. I love her cooking, all of it, even when it doesn't come out quite right. I love her love/hate affair with the bathroom scale. I love the fact that she did not even look at her engagement ring till after she said yes. I love the Hello Kitty bathroom decorations and the fact that if she could the entire apartment would be pink. I love her lips, especially when she pouts. I love her logic, even when it's flawed, and the fact that I can't win an argument against her no matter what I say, or if I'm right, and that it's better to not even start. I love the fact that I can't wait to get home to see her. I love everything, and anything, abut her.

Let's hope the next eight years are just as good as the last.

So I Guess I'm Wrong...

2009-05-06T07:45:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to write this, I sat on it for almost a week. I could see no good coming from giving it the semi-permanence of text.

I volunteered for the New York Biathlon club as their webmaster. I did this because my father asked me to. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, I had looked at the old site and what I saw wasn't pretty. It wasn't bad, but it could be better.

That was what I did wrong.

I thought it could be better, and I got bit. I knew I could do better, and I set out to do just that. I looked at the layout, and simplified it, providing a streamlined look that loads fast and is easy to update. I then switched from HTML to PHP, looking for a dynamic solution, looking for ways to minimize the time required to update the individual pages. I then thought of the possibility of moving away from a website to a content management solution, a framework that would allow the users to edit the web page directly. My original thought was flat files, but if I'm going to do flat files why not have a database backed system? So it grows..

There had always been issues with the existing web master, he's controlling to a fault. In a lot of cases he doesn't keep the site updated, and he really doesn't know how to do things better then he currently is, but in his defense he is a chemist, not a code monkey. But he got the ball rolling, he got the site up and maintained it on his own in an environment I rapidly learned was quite chaotic and unorganized.

Then I went to the meeting.

I expected resistance from the organization as a whole. What I got was resistance from my father, the very man who brought me in to do a better job. I'm not going to bother with details of the meeting as the details don't honestly matter. All I'm going to say is there is something terribly sad about telling your father to stop berating a man he claims to be his friend, a man who has done a job to the very best of his ability. I was very careful not to point fingers, I was very careful not to alienate anyone because it simply would have done no good. My father had no such reservations.

I felt like I was dealing with a child who was bound and determined to throw a tantrum. It was sad to watch, and I was embarrassed for him. Not that he saw it, or would have cared if he did.

Seattle, It Raineth

2009-04-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

The Missus and I spent a week in Seattle.

There is something wonderful about flying across the country, being in fear for your life as your female pilot on a twin engine regional hell wagon cuts off the tarmac at 45 degrees only to, roughly an hour and fifteen minutes later, slam back to earth with a bone jarring thud and then decelerate with such ferocity you find yourself staring at the bald spot of the man in the seat in front of you from a terribly uncomfortably close distance and what is the first thing you notice? There may be something in your teeth... but I digress.

We flew Rochester to Sea-Tac via Chicago. After the near death experience of our first flight we crawled out of our coffin, I mean airplane, and emerged into the weak morning light filtering through the glass ceiling of the O'Hare Airport. We were pulled down the length of the terminal by the promise of cinnamon and sugary release. Yes, there is a Cinnabon in O'Hare. Totally worth almost dying.

Our second flight was cramped, more then usual, and stuffy, hot, and long. What made matters worse was my complete and utter inability to sleep on either flight.

Anyway... on to Seattle.

The trip itself was fantastic. Our first few days in Seattle were spent up north near Marysville with The Missus's biological father. I don't have much to say about Marysville and I like it that way, it's quiet. The Missus's father lives in a trailer on a campground, surrounded by woods it was a great way to spend a few days, eat good, and generally relax.

We spend the next day and a half in Seattle proper, right off Pioneer square. We walked the city, spent some money, learned my card had been reported lost/stolen, and not by me, and generally had a great time.

I want to take a moment to tip my hat to King county legislators who decided to pass a law requiring all restaurants in King County to have their nutrition information available and clearly posted. It was a breath of fresh air to be able to eat out and not to have to guess about calories, sodium, and the nutritional value, or lack thereof, of my meal.

We journeyed next to the south of the city, Puyallup to be exact, go ahead say that ten times fast, I dare you. Anyway, we stayed with The Missus's maternal grandparents for Easter. Her grandmother is Japanese, with a Japanese/Southern accent that was one of the cutest things I have ever heard. Her Grandfather speaks softly with a southern drawl and would seem just at home on the veranda of a plantation house in Mississippi as in a recliner in Washington. I found them both to be wonderful people and I hope to spend ample time with them in the near future.

The Missus's aunts on the other hand.... One was tolerable, the other made me want to sodomize my ear canals with ten-penny nails. Her Uncle might have been a great guy however I saw no more then ten minutes of him the weekend due to the fact that he stayed in his room and played XBox 360.

After Grandmas we returned to Seattle proper and spent our last day in Seattle relaxing before trying to steal a few hours of sleep and returning home.

Fortunately I did not need to find God, or use the instructions printed on the safety card on either of the flights home.

All in all it was a fantastic trip and I am already looking forward to our next visit.

The Reader

2009-04-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

The Missus and I rented The Reader tonight. It had recently hit the store shelves and The Missus and I were both interested in getting a pizza and movie with the plan to spend a quiet night at home seeming like the best suggestion I had heard in months.

We had both heard of The Reader yet neither had gotten to see it in theaters, not that that is at all unusual, we sat down after dinner to take in a movie.

I can only say one thing about The Reader.... damn.

Some movies you watch, like 300. Some movies you sit through like 10 Things I Hate About You. Some movies you quote at 2am in your local diner like Cool Running's, true story I swear. Some movies you watch time and time again, movies like Scent of a Woman. Lastly, some movies you experience on a visceral level, these are the movies that the word good just doesn't cut it. Movies that stay with you. Films like American History X, Schindler's List, Pans Labyrinth, and now the Reader. Films so stunningly powerful they beg to not only be re-watched but shared, passed on, treasured.

The Reader is not a complicated film, at least on the surface, it's a film about a woman, and a young man, a short, passionate affair and the lasting effect such contact can have on both parties. There is a trial, and a secret too, though these provide the vehicle, not the substance for the story. The Reader reminds me of Snow Falling On Cedars, another story where the "story" is nothing more then a vehicle to tell the emotional story of the participants.

The Reader is a simple, elegant, uncomplicated yet wholly engrossing piece of cinema. Watching the movie unfold is both torturous and yet I found myself both anticipating and dreading the next scene, the writing, the dialog was minimalist, elegant and uncomplicated.

I find myself struggling to articulate exactly what is felt at the end... I don't think any words I could use would do it justice.

Bad Denim

2009-04-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

A friend posted the following link to Facebook.

America's Bad Jeans

In and of itself the article is an interesting read. The author, one George F. Will is a syndicated columnist for the Washington Post. For those not willing to read the article Mr. Will's points boil down to Jeans are bad, Jeans were made for tough men not suburbanites. However, it is not his point that I take offense to but several comments made in the article. Let's go paragraph by paragraph.

"On any American street, or in any airport or mall, you see the same sad tableau: A 10-year-old boy is walking with his father, whose development was evidently arrested when he was that age, judging by his clothes. Father and son are dressed identically -- running shoes, T-shirts. And jeans, always jeans. If mother is there, she, too, is draped in denim."

Mr. Will states that this tableau is seen in malls or in airports. Neither of these places require a terribly formal dress. While I can agree if the person was going on a business trip the simple fact that a father and son, most likely headed on vacation, end up dressed the same is hardly cause for scorn.

"Writer Daniel Akst has noticed and has had a constructive conniption. He should be given the Presidential Medal of Freedom. He has earned it by identifying an obnoxious misuse of freedom. Writing in the Wall Street Journal, he has denounced denim, summoning Americans to soul-searching and repentance about the plague of that ubiquitous fabric, which is symptomatic of deep disorders in the national psyche."

According to Mr. Will a man should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the countries highest civilian honor, just for denouncing denim. Let's put this in perspective. Mr. Akst deserves the same medal given to Mother Theresa, or Ronald Reagan simply for denouncing denim.

"It is, he says, a manifestation of "the modern trend toward undifferentiated dressing, in which we all strive to look equally shabby." Denim reflects "our most nostalgic and destructive agrarian longings -- the ones that prompted all those exurban McMansions now sliding off their manicured lawns and into foreclosure." Jeans come prewashed and acid-treated to make them look like what they are not -- authentic work clothes for horny-handed sons of toil and the soil. Denim on the bourgeoisie is, Akst says, the wardrobe equivalent of driving a Hummer to a Whole Foods store -- discordant."

exurban McMansions... what a phrase, though I doubt that denim has the slightest tie to foreclosure rates, or the rising unemployment. Nor do I feel that anyone would mistake the acid washed Sean Jean's of the young urban crowd to be even the palest representations of the dirt stained Levi's of a blue collar worker. Denim on the bourgeoisie is a matter of comfort, and function. Not a matter of trying to be what we, I, am not. I wear jeans, most middle class America wears jeans, why? They are cheap, and they last. Seems like good financial sense to me.

"Long ago, when James Dean and Marlon Brando wore it, denim was, Akst says, "a symbol of youthful defiance." Today, Silicon Valley billionaires are rebels without causes beyond poses, wearing jeans when introducing new products. Akst's summa contra denim is grand as far as it goes, but it only scratches the surface of this blight on Americans' surfaces. Denim is the infantile uniform of a nation in which entertainment frequently features childlike adults ("Seinfeld," "Two and a Half Men") and cartoons for adults ("King of the Hill"). Seventy-five percent of American "gamers" -- people who play video games -- are older than 18 and nevertheless are allowed to vote. In their undifferentiated dress, children and their childish parents become undifferentiated audiences for juvenilized movies (the six -- so far -- "Batman" adventures and "Indiana Jones and the Credit-Default Swaps," coming soon to a cineplex near you). Denim is the clerical vestment for the priesthood of all believers in democracy's catechism of leveling -- thou shalt not dress better than society's most slovenly. To do so would be to commit the sin of lookism -- of believing that appearance matters. That heresy leads to denying the universal appropriateness of everything, and then to the elitist assertion that there is good and bad taste."

The above, almost unapproachable wall of text screams out a desire to be hear oneself talk, or read oneself in print far more then it conveys a notion of righteous indignation. Yes, rockers and rebels wear denim, they also wear leopard print spandex, but I hope to god that doesn't catch on. Silicon Valley billionaires wear denim for the same reasons I wear denim. It's comfortable, it lasts, and as anyone who has ever worn a pair of jeans to tatters can attest, after a few hundred washings there is no softer material then well worn, well loved, denim. He goes on to equate wearing denim to being childish or infantile, a correlation that simply lacks merit. In truth this article is littered with unfounded accusations and statements that are not only baseless but at times insulting. Let me pluck a particular gem from the miasma above.

"Seventy-five percent of American "gamers" -- people who play video games -- are older than 18 and nevertheless are allowed to vote."

Why yes, gamers are allowed to vote, in fact all persons over the ago of 18 are allowed to vote. I see no point in mentioning the fact that this subset of people, those over the age of 18, are in part composed of those who play video games. We could just as easily have said X% of fast food workers, those who serve fast food, are over the age of 18 and nevertheless allowed to vote. Your point being? Let's look at another gem.

"In their undifferentiated dress, children and their childish parents become undifferentiated audiences for juvenilized movies"

Juvenalized moves? Again, an attempted correlation between dress and personal taste. By this reasoning if I were to wear a suit into Batman begins I would immediatly not enjoy the movie? Yet another...

"To do so would be to commit the sin of lookism -- of believing that appearance matters. That heresy leads to denying the universal appropriateness of everything, and then to the elitist assertion that there is good and bad taste."

Lookism? Yes appearance matters. But when does appearance matter? Does appearance at the movies, a dark and almost light-less venue, really matter? Does anyone care if I wear Dockers or Armani when the lights go down? No! A job interview? yes, dress to impress, but the mall? the movies? please.... Let us continue.

"Denim is the carefully calculated costume of people eager to communicate indifference to appearances. But the appearances that people choose to present in public are cues from which we make inferences about their maturity and respect for those to whom they are presenting themselves. "

His argument in this paragraph simply falls flat. There is again little to no correlation between denim and the wearers projected appearance. Take for example a clean, pressed dark pair of jeans, clean shoes, and a three button polo. Add a dark belt and a decent haircut and you have a very acceptably dressed individual. Now, can slovenly dress give a negative opinion, sure. But denim does not directly equate to slovenly, in fact I would argue that a wrinkled suit says far more then a clean pair of jeans.

"Do not blame Levi Strauss for the misuse of Levi's. When the Gold Rush began, Strauss moved to San Francisco planning to sell strong fabric for the 49ers' tents and wagon covers. Eventually, however, he made tough pants, reinforced by copper rivets, for the tough men who knelt on the muddy, stony banks of Northern California creeks, panning for gold. Today it is silly for Americans whose closest approximation of physical labor consists of loading their bags of clubs into golf carts to go around in public dressed for driving steers up the Chisholm Trail to the railhead in Abilene."

This paragraph lumps all Americans into golf bag slinging lay-abouts. What about those who still work blue collar? or white collar who have to actually get down on the production floor? Or out in the field? Or scientists who go out and do hands on field work? Are they not Americans? Do they not deserve the "right" to wear denim? Does one have to be a cattle herder to wear denim? What about the fact that most cattle is herded by four wheeler and most gold dug from the earth by machines. How does this factor into Mr. Will's argument?

"This is not complicated. For men, sartorial good taste can be reduced to one rule: If Fred Astaire would not have worn it, don't wear it. For women, substitute Grace Kelly."

Mr. Astaire lived a lifestyle far removed from suburban middle class America. he wore suits, tux's, jackets with coat tails and the like. His dress echoes both his station and the era in which he lived. He was well off, and dressed accordingly. However let's look at his modern day analogues. Actors, Actresses, Singers and the like all dressed in denim, designer denim, but denim none the less. For women, take my above paragraph and sub in Grace Kelly.

"Edmund Burke -- what he would have thought of the denimization of America can be inferred from his lament that the French Revolution assaulted "the decent drapery of life"; it is a straight line from the fall of the Bastille to the rise of denim -- said: "To make us love our country, our country ought to be lovely." Ours would be much more so if supposed grown-ups would heed St. Paul's first letter to the Corinthians, and St. Barack's inaugural sermon to the Americans, by putting away childish things, starting with denim."

Who the hell is Edmund Burke? Let's ask Google. Again Mr. Will makes several baseless arguments the most damming is again calling denim childish without ever establishing this as fact. Mr. Will speaks of denim's childishness as if it were fact and not his limited opinion.

I guess at the end of the day it is simply the close minded conservatism that upsets me about this article. It is as if Mr. Will has taken the view that anything but his way is inherently wrong. He holds a view for American society that is simply, black and white, and devoid of denim. In Mr. Will's world the men all wear tails, the women wear evening gowns and if you don't then you are wrong, plain and simple. Mr. Will lives in a world so detached from the day to day reality of middle class America I can't help but question his ability, and the validity, of any opinion he posts in regards to middle class life.

But, to follow his form I too will admit to owning several pairs of jeans, in a variety of colors, from a dark blue to a lighter hue, to several pairs of tan jeans from L. L. Bean. I wear them to work, to the mall, on cross country flights, just about daily. I plan on continuing to do so, because as an American I am free to do whatever I want to with my jeans.

Bushido Kai Friendly Tourney '09 Winter Edition

2009-04-06T07:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the Bushido Kai friendly tournament, winter edition.

I lost, again.

It bothers me. It's not I didn't "do better" then last time, it just seems that my better isn't quite enough. However, I enjoyed myself thoroughly and I guess that is the most important part. It's hardly consolation, but I take what I can get.

Musing on my Waistline

2009-03-31T06:26:00.000-07:00

I've been overweight my entire life. I've always known how to loose weight, the mechanics of it, yet every time something just got in the way. Loosing weight is not complicated and it's certainly not rocket science. Loosing weight is as simply as making sure that you eat fewer calories then you use. I would be shocked if anyone did not know this.

Yet as I walk through the grocery store what do I find? Isles filled with weight loss aides, pills, bottles, shakes, any product under the sun to try and circumvent that simple mathematical truth. Calories in < Calories out = Weight loss.

I've tried to loose weight at least a dozen times. I've tried Weight Watchers, I've tried food replacement, I've tried a medically managed wight loss program and I'm tried to just "eat better". I'm still fat. I'm currently using FitDay and It's slowly working.

Let's look at our options shall we?

Weight Watchers: When I was on Weight Watchers I lost weight. However, once I was off weight watchers I gained it right back. Weight Watchers programs run off Points, these Points add a layer of abstraction on what should be a trivial subject. Points hide the fact that fiber and protein are good, carbs and sugars not so good. Weight Watchers doesn't really teach you to be cognizant of what your eating and why. However, Weight Watchers works for some people, a lot of people, just not me.

Weight Watchers makes that simple equation above more complicated then it needs to be.

Food Replacement/Medically Managed Weight loss: I'm going to keep this section brief as in a lot of ways it mirrors my concerns with Weight Watchers adding of course the huge cost of involving a doctor in anything. Food replacement is worse then Weight Watchers as it doesn't even give you the understanding of the protein/fiber good carbs/sugar bad that Weight Watchers gives you. Medically managed weight loss is a scam.

Just "eating better": this diet, also known as the "Watching what I'm eating" and "I'm exercising more" diet is the most common. It also simply does not work. Without a fundamental understanding of what is going in your mouth you can not eat better. It's just not possible. Eating five chicken nuggets instead of ten is a start but it's hardly going to turn you into the hard bodied god you so long to be.

So what do we do? What, in my opinion, works?

Simple, uncomplicated, calorie counting.

I first started to go down this route when The Missus was diagnosed with high blood pressure. She had to start watching her sodium. Everything I picked up off the store shelves had to be scrutinized, every label, every can, bag, parcel, Everything. It was not a quick process. We slowly adapted to a low sodium lifestyle. But something more important had occurred. I had begun looking, really looking, at what I was eating. What I saw bothered me. I did not think I was eating poorly, I was exercising, yet I was still slowly gaining weight.

So, I looked for help. What help I found was FitDay.com it's nothing fancy, and best of all it's free. All the site does is count calories. I was forced to look at what I was eating, impartially, as a column of numbers. If that column of numbers added up to a higher total then I was burning in a day I knew I was going to gain weight. if that column added up to less then what I burned I knew I was going to loose weight. It wasn't complicated, no points to track, just the simple uncomplicated mathematical truth of calories in calories out = weight loss.

Now, it doesn't have to be FitDay. The Missus is using a journal, simple pen and paper, and for her that works. I prefer the website. At the end of the day were both loosing weight, and as opposed to Weight Watchers, Medical programs, food replacement, and all the rest I know know what is going into my mouth. I'm looking for alternatives and day by day I'm loosing weight.

Week One....

2009-03-27T07:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been dieting for a week. I'm down ten pounds, I know it's mostly water weight but it's still a good feeling. I've been on a fairly severe caloric restriction. According to FitDay.com my base metabolic rate puts me at ~3400 calories a day, they recommend I cut 1400 calories to loose weight. This would mean eating roughly 2000 calories a day. I've been trying to stick to 1700-1900. It seem to be working really well. Also, as an unintended bonus on the days I do "splurge" a 2100 calorie day feels like a lot of food.

It Has Begun

2009-03-23T09:58:00.000-07:00

I have begun dieting.

I currently weight 309.2 lbs, with 28-30% body fat. I lift weights, I play Judo, I'm looking to get back into BJJ, I want to start running again. I'm just sick of being fat.

I'm looking to get down to 220 first, then possibly down to 200 but I do not think I can do that without loosing muscle, something I'm simply not willing to do.

I'm using FitDay.com to track my calories and am currently shooting for 2100 with out exercise and an appropriate caloric increase on days I exercise.

I'm also trying to swing away from carbohydrates and increase my protein intake. Currently roughly half to two thirds of my calories come from carbohydrates. This I am told is bad.

Add to the the fact that I'm pre-diabetic and need to be mindful of my blood sugar makes this all the more fun.

My resting heart rate is 61 bpm and my blood pressure hovers around 125/65.

Dear lord what have I started....

Violence In Schools

2009-03-20T08:42:00.001-07:00

I've often read articles on the rising tide of violence in schools. These articles paint a bleak and foreboding picture, an apocalyptic futures when our schools turn into battlegrounds for warring tribes of, usually dark skinned, hellions.

Bullshit.

Violence is as natural as breathing. We as a species evolved from animals, and to a large extent are still animals. Just because society says violence is wrong does not mean society is right. Violence is not only perfectly natural, it's healthy. So, we have several generations of men and boys who have no idea how to handle aggression. They are told to not fight in the park, the school yard or at home. They are told that violence is wrong without exception. So when these men and boys get angry, when their natural aggressions surfaces they have absolutely no idea how to handle it and the result is all too obvious. Road rage, senseless brawling over parking spaces, kids resorting to knives and guns to stop bullies they are told time and time again not to fight back against.

So now that we have the problem what do we do about it? We stop ignoring the basic human need to fight. I tread once that you don't truly love your children unless you allow them to get punched in the face. I couldn't agree more. School is not a nice place, kids are not nice people, bullies exist and the only thing they respect is violence. So, why not provide a forum for that violence? A ring, gloves, headgear and rules. Make it known from day one that if you have a problem you take it up in the ring after school. Bring boxing and wrestling back to American schools. If you stop treating violence as evil then violence will soon stop being a problem.

Hide it, ignore it, and it only becomes unhealthy. Teach kids that it's an acceptable, controllable response and it will become a healthy response.

Cookie Monster Cupcakes!

2009-03-17T21:15:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago the Missus showed me this link.

It was to a blog post on how to make Cookie Monster Cookies.

So, I decided to try my hand at the recipe given that fact that the Missus was out of town last night and I thought it would be a nice surprise. Now, for a little background. Years ago I made a bet with the Missus, and my wager if I lost the bet was 100 cookie monster cookies from Mrs. Fields. I lost. Since that time I've been chipping away at my debt. Unfortunately Mrs. Fields no longer has cookie monster cookies. So I had to find another way to pay my debt.

Hence the cupcakes.

Also, the Missus has been having a rough time lately, unemployment is really getting to her and the stream of rejections and the stony silence is really wearing on her nerves. Anyway.... I made her cupcakes!

The fruits of my labor....

Now, What did I learn here?

1) Let the cupcake pan cool before removing the cupcakes.
2) More frosting, always buy more frosting.
3) Even if the cupcakes look ugly as sin (they did) frosting covers up the worst blemishes.
4) I am NOT a baker.

Anyway, it was fun and the look on her face totally made it worthwhile.

Aliveness, or Why I Keep Thinking About Guns

2009-03-17T07:22:00.000-07:00

Aliveness, it's a strange term. It's even more difficult to explain in the context of Martial Arts. A art should be alive, it should be changing, evolving, and growing. However an art that grows, changes, and evolves may not subscribe to the principle of Aliveness.

matt Thornton of Straight Blast Gym (SBG/SBGi) is the godfather of this term, and has done much to bring it to the forefront. His own words can be found here.

So, what does this have to do with me? Simple. I began my martial training in earnest in Wing Chun. A system espousing deadly efficiency. As I spent more time in the club, and more time sparring I realized that when I fought (badly) I used very little of my training. So I began to look at what I was doing wrong. Around this time I was introduced to the concept of Aliveness. I was shown that in order to use something it had to be practiced and not just in forms. I was introduced to the three I's. Introduction, Isolate, Incorporate.

Take a subject dear to my heart, programming. I wish to learn a new language, I am Introduced to it. This introduction is most likely dead, as in there is no resistance. I read, I ponder but I do not do any coding.

Next I begin looking at same code, writing toy examples, playing around. I debug bits of code, deal with errors and push a little bit. I want to learn the control structures, so I work with just control structures. This is the Isolate stage. I'm writing code, I'm playing, but it's still on a toy scale.

Lastly is the Incorporate phase. In this phase I begin writing code. I begin internalizing the language, making comparisons with what I already know, making it "work" for me. At this point I know the language, or at least parts of it, and can build from there.

So, back to Martial Arts. Wing Chun was stuck in the Introduce and Isolate stages. A technique was shown, and drilled in a non-resisting fashion but it was never tested, it never because an intrinsic part of my game.

I then switched to BJJ, and in doing so found the way things "should" be done. A technique is shown, drilled with increasing resistance then I would attempt to use the technique in free sparring against a resisting opponent. I would fail, get feedback, adjust and try again. My current art, Judo, works the same way.

So, why guns?

Because in training Alive, in competing, and fighting it is eventually natural to realize that there are limits. There are situations that no matter how good I am, no matter how conditioned I am I simply will not be fast enough, strong enough, good enough. So, I look for tools to improve my chances. At first I looked at Kali, and thought that a blade would be the natural equalizer. However, even good Kali is mostly dead. There are few groups willing to train a weapon based art in an Alive manner simply because it hurts!

So why would I carry a blade if I'm not 100% sure that when I need it I will know how to use it? I wouldn't.

So I looked elsewhere. Time and time again I came back to IPSEC and firearms. IPSEC is a competition format where a shooter moves through a course with preset targets, both good targets, and "bad" targets. The shooter is scored based on speed and accuracy, with penalties for shooting the "bad" targets.

It is as close to an Alive weapon art that I have found and frankly, it just sounds like fun!

I don't plan on pursuing a pistol permit any time soon, but it keeps bouncing around the back of my mind and like an itch will one day have to be scratched.

R.I.P. Lappie

2009-03-17T07:09:00.000-07:00

Last night, our new cat Soleil chewed through the power cord on my laptop. A month or two ago he did the same to The Missus's laptop cord. At the moment we have one functioning computer. It's a pain to say the least. It's not so much that he did it that upsets me as it is that he did it twice, and replacing the AC adapters is simply something we can not afford.

I have two desktops in the house currently not being used. One needs a video card and hard drive, the other a hard drive. I don't think I can afford to get either machine running.

But I'm going to try.

Looking at Amazon I can get both packs for roughly fifty dollars, if I can get an inexpensive hard drive then we can possibly make things work. I may even buy two drives and get both desktops up and running. You can never have too many machines after all.

I Have a Desire.

2009-03-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

I have an aversion to being bored, to sitting idle. Even when the thought of coming home, and wasting an evening, seems like the best idea I could have I know full well it won't last. I keep wanting to learn, keep wanting to push. I used to believe I wanted the recognition, the medals and the certificates, the plaques and accolades but the older I get I know something with increasing clarity. I just want to DO something. I want to look back on my life and like what I see. I want to have stories to tell my grand kids. I want to sit in my old age and recount stories of glories tied to every ache and pain. I want to sit and know I lived. I want to fight, and even if I did not win know I fought. I want to learn everything I can, do anything I can. I want to simply live, and live simply. If I can. I do not yet know what all I will end up doing but I've decided to do something.

Even if it makes no sense.

Little Things

2009-03-03T16:14:00.000-08:00

It's Tuesday.

I wish I could say I was tired, wish I had some excuse, some reason, for the mood I'm in. But I don't. It's a lot of little things all bubbling to the surface at the same time.

I've wanted to write about a lot of things but I stop myself as I'm not sure they are things I necessarily want out on the net but tonight I genuinely don't care.

It's coming home to the same clutter, night after night, knowing that even if I devote a day to cleaning within a matter of days it simply won't matter. It's picking up blankets off the floor day after day, picking up to-go bags and dirty dishes, picking up the piles of fur, and paper bits, and refuse that collects in the corners.

It's coming home after Judo to find the Missus sick, again.

It's the never ending shopping list, power bills, credit card bills, loan payments, rent and the looming threat of school loans all threatening to bury me under an avalanche of debt.

It's the vet bills, the cost of food, and litter and the simple, laughable, fact that the cats eat better then we do.

It's wanting to come home and hide after a shitty day at work, or the desire to sit in front of a computer and make little digital monsters die and when I do it, getting yelled at.

It's getting told to wait, always wait.

It's the simple daily grind that I know is going to be every day for the rest of my life.

It's Tuesday.

She Surprises Me Sometimes.

2009-02-26T14:40:00.001-08:00

My Missus has been trying to get into the Rochester Police Department for some time now. Her and I have talked about plans, preparations, training, the usual discussions I'm sure any couple would have when one of the members wishes to do something different, and potentially dangerous. I support her, I figure if this is something she wants then I should support her in any way I can.

However, we had an interesting conversation, a surprising conversation the other day and I wonder how it will pan out. She started looking at guns. Whats more she started talking about guns, about learning to shoot as a way to get ahead in her academy training. She asked about martial arts, and expressed a desire to begin training. I honestly was shocked. She had always maintained a no guns, no way mentality and I had despaired in ever changing that view. Even her looking to join the police and carrying a gun did not seem to change her perspective. Now this. Her interest in martial arts is not anything new, she has watched many of my Judo classes, and had commented in the past that she might enjoy it. Yet she had never actually initiated a conversation on the subject. I will admit the thought of her training with me excites me more then the thought of her wanting to learn to shoot. I enjoy Judo, and it's something I want her to enjoy with me.

I thought I had her all figured out, yet she manages to surprise me yet again. It's a good feeling. Let's see if it pans out.

Just Not Feeling It

2009-02-23T13:10:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a long post about Aliveness, as a tandem post to my Whistles post below. Yet after seeing that Calvin and Hobbes strip I just don't have it in me.

Maybe tomorrow.

Kids These Days....

2009-02-23T13:03:00.000-08:00

I saw this spoof of a Calvin and Hobbes comic and felt that it expressed my feelings on what exactly is wrong with our society more succinctly then I ever could.

I'm not going to speak to the message, anyone who has ever read Calvin and Hobbes the message should be clear enough. I only want to try and convey the sorrow I felt reading that. It hits far too close to home for comfort. I was never medicated and I guess I never did get around to thanking my mother for that. I guess I should. Thanks mom for letting me be a kid.

Whistles

2009-02-12T19:28:00.001-08:00

I read a blog post yesterday. I can't find it today, I tried looking, checked my history, checked all my usual haunts online and simply can not find it.

It wasn't anything huge or epic or awesome, but it made me think. In fact I was still thinking about it hours later and when I realized that I had to ask myself why. Let me recount the story to the best of my ability.

There was a woman, a nurse if my memory serves me, and she had some ex-boyfriend issues. She asked her friends for advice and one of her friends, the person who's blog I read this on, suggested she get a gun and carry concealed. Her other friends suggested a rape whistle. Several weeks later she was found beaten to death in the parking lot, rape whistle still between her teeth, filled with blood. She blew it till she died and it did her absolutely no good.

I don't know if the story as it was related is true. neither do I care. Details don't matter, but the moral of the story does matter.

A few weeks ago The Missus asked me why I had a sudden interest in guns and I couldn't think of a good answer. I knew why, sorta, but I couldn't articulate what I was thinking, what I was feeling.

I stood outside an IHOP several months ago and watched a man drag his girlfriend out of the restaurant by her hair, spend minutes in the parking lot yelling at her, then hit her and toss her in a car before driving off. I stood there, and watched. I stood there because I had called 911, and the cops were on their way. They arrived minutes too late. Like always.

I ran that night through my mind a number of times, should I have fought, should I have intervened, what if... what if.... what if. At the end of the day I know that my skills might have kept me alive in a fight, he might not have a knife, he might not have a gun, it might have been ok. or it might not.

Let's go back to the nurse in the parking lot. She chose to not arm herself, to not be able to defend herself, to accept that if she were attacked the best she could hope for was someone else to willingly intervene on her behalf, and save her. This decision cost her dearly. It cost her her life. Had I been there, would I have intervened? I didn't in the IHOP parking lot and I'm trained to fight, I know how to strike, throw and grapple yet I did not intervene. neither did anyone else in that parking lot that night.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is I have an interest in guns, I want those around me to have an interest in guns, so if something should happen, if I need that weapon it's there. I want to know that those in my life who matter to me don't resort to a whistle. I want to know that if I ever have another chance to get it right.... that I won't stand there scared to fight, that I would do what was needed.

I'm a sheep, all be it a sheep with eyes open, I don't want to be a sheep any more.

Goodbye Old Friend

2009-02-11T06:24:00.000-08:00

I received an e-mail this morning.

"Well, it has finally happened. It has been just more than 3 years since ITS was brought under F&A, 2 years since ITS was moved under Jim Fisher, and just less than 6 months since Laura/FAST was moved under ITS' new CIO, Jeanne Casares. Effective yesterday FAST officially no longer exists. I wish I could say that what I've predicted would happen didn't, but it has. I wish I could say this is a good change, but unfortunately its neutral at best...."

It goes on to detail the current state of things, and the direction things will most likely move. It's sad, reading that e-mail felt as if I was reading an obituary for a friend. I worked for Finance Administration Systems Technology (FAST) on and off during my time at R.I.T. and had the pleasure of taking classes with the head of FAST Development, Dan Pedersen. I miss him, and though we have kepr in contact it's not quite the same.

So I guess I have to say the following.

Good luck Dan, I wish you only the best, and if at some point your ready to strike out on your own I'll help in any way I can.

Rest in peace FAST, hopefully down the road someone with more foresight then those in charge now will realize this mistake for what it is and give you back your people and your culture.

Good luck all.

Nothing Says Family Like 14 Kids

2009-02-10T09:03:00.000-08:00

It's true!

A welfare mother, single, on food stamps and receiving disability money for some of her kids goes to a fertility doctor. She already has six kids. This doctor then decides to impregnate her with no fewer then eight more. They all take. She gives birth to eight premature babies. This runs up a million dollar hospital bill. Remember she has no job, no husband, and not no fewer then fourteen kids.

Now I'm torn. As a libertarian I don't feel the government should regulate the number of children a person can have. Yet, I can't help but feel upset as my tax dollars are going to support this woman.

I have to now ask myself who do we blame, if anyone, for this debacle. Can we deny this woman governmental aid? Can we deny her children aid for her follies? Can we strip the doctor of his license? At what point do we say that the individuals need to take responsibility for their own actions?

Let's look at the facts.
* This woman, has six children, I'm assuming to multiple fathers. She is unemployed and unmarried living at home.
* She then goes to a fertility doctor because she wants to have more children, the doctor either a) does not check and therefore does not know she has six other children, or b) knows and chooses not to care.
* All eight eggs take, she refuses to abort any of them.
* She gives birth on the taxpayer dime, a million dollar hospital bill.
* Even with modern medicine some of those eight premature babies will most likely require some sort of governmental assistance.

So, who is at fault and can we as a society punish them?

The woman clearly acted irrationally. Yet some people just like kids. yet I can not help but wonder what sort of life will her children now lead. It's expensive to feed fourteen.

The doctor was negligent in checking if she had other kids and/or reckless in impregnating her with eight eggs, and/or insane for giving a woman with no means to pay fertility drugs. Of everyone in this mess he should have known better.

The government is negligent to the point of criminal waste in supplying this woman with aid for the fourteen children she now has.

I am all for liberties, and making ones own choices, yet as a society we must act in the best interest in pruning those who are unable or unwilling to make intelligent choices. My only suggestion is take the kids, foster them out, deny the mother any and all aid, and promptly forcibly sterilize her because I guarantee she's not done.

Cats Are Like Kids

2009-02-10T08:28:00.000-08:00

And I have two of them...

I once heard a very wise man say you should never let your kids outnumber you. I think the same applies to cats. Dealing with one was easy, a piece of cake. Dealing with two is quickly becoming a trying experience.

Soleil, the second cat is roughly a year old. he was a stray for a portion of his life and when we adopted him he had a cold. We were told it was not going to be an issue. The vet who told us that, lied.

Within a week or two Puma, our original cat, was sick and it all went down hill from there. What started as a cold morphed into a deep racking chest cough and then she contracted an eye infection, most likely from Soleil as well. By the time we took her to the vet her eye was pussing up, she was hacking horribly and had lost almost a pound of weight.

We got her on eye medication and considered returning Soleil. In the end we kept him, and she began to recover. Yet this past weekend we return home to find that in the span of 24 hours her eye has gone from fully clear to swollen shut and covered in green puss. So, off to the ER we went.

In the ER the vets diagnosis was much the same, viral URI, bacterial cold, and a viral eye infection. Keep her on the eye ointment and now antibiotics. Joy.

So, after sinking several hundred dollars into this cat she is hopefully on the mend and has reaffirmed my desire to never, ever, have kids.

Back to School!

2009-02-02T12:46:00.000-08:00

So, I'm looking to get my Microsoft Certified Professional Developer (MCPD) certification. This is a fairly big deal and I'm excited. However, as a stepping stone is the Microsoft Certified Technology Specialist (MCTS) Certification. This certification is the "Bachelors" of .NET certification. Once I have my MCTS It's a short hop and a jump to the MCPD certification.

I'm strangely excited to have an exam in my future, a test, new knowledge. I'm hoping with the certifications and my current education and background I'll be highly marketable which can't ever hurt in the current economy.

I guess it boils down to god I hope I pass!

If You're Going To Do It.....

2009-01-26T09:20:00.000-08:00

Do it right!

I've been tossing around the idea of implementing a semi-intelligent network architecture in my apartment. At the moment my network, like most home networks is a router, and a bunch of machines plugged into it.

This works, and it works quite well. However if I want to do anything other then basic networking I run into some problems. So I've been tossing around the following ideas.

Phase 1:
I want to procure a white box, an old tower with low power requirements, preferably no more then a 150 watts. Now, this will be my gateway, it will be the machine connected directly to the outside network. It will function as my web server, most likely Apache, a file server, Samba?, as well as any other hosting and server tasks.

This machine will run a flavor of Linux. (Ubuntu Server) As I don't plan on ever connecting this machine to a monitor I'll most likely run either a strictly command line interface or run some sort of X-Windows environment that I can remotely connect to.

This machine will start inside my router, as part of my current setup. Once I am comfortable with Linux, and have a firewall and other server applications installed I will move it to the outside of my router and connect my router to the gateway machine.

Phase 2:
Once the gateway is up and working well I plan on Wiresharking all of the incoming traffic and evaluating my configuration for holes. Once I am satisfied with the security of the gateway I will procure more network cards and turn the gateway into a router/switch. This will remove the wireless router from needing to act as a DNS and it can now be used strictly to broadcast wireless.

Phase 3:
Once the above phases have been completed I hope t move away from Windows on my laptop and run a Linux environment (Xubuntu?) there as well. My desktop will remain a Windows box for gaming and C# development.

All in all I figure several weeks of work. Here's to crazy schemes!

Legislated Atheism

2009-01-26T08:30:00.000-08:00

It sounds idiotic just reading it, doesn't it?

I had a debate with a friend of mine the other day. He's a good guy, we just don't agree on some things. We were discussing the inauguration as I'm sure were a lot of people. Yet what we disagreed on was not the President, the policies, the future by the Pastor.

Now, for those of you who did not watch the inauguration a Pastor spoke, evoking the usually symbols of God and Jesus while leading the assembled masses in prayer.

Now, when asked what religion I follow I usually answer Unitarian Universalist, though I don't necessarily approve of the way the faith as a whole behaves. But that's for another time. I also identify as Agnostic, sometimes Atheist, and generally disregard religion as a whole.

Now what my friend and I were arguing was whether or not it is appropriate to have prayer in our official ceremonies. My point was this: We live in a country with no official religion, a firm stance on the separation of church and state and yet we have a Christian prayer at our Inauguration. I went on further to argue that seeing as we have a wide array of faiths represented in the American public why not have a varied prayer, if a prayer at all? Why do we consistently evoke the same Christian imagery?

I see it as unofficially endorsing a Christian faith through the evocation of that faiths symbols and norms. I went on to say as we are unable to accurately represent every faith, why represent any at all? Why not just do away with prayer in official ceremonies?

His response was that to do that would be legislating atheism.

I honestly did not know what to say.

Atheism, is the lack of a belief in a deity. Legislating something like that would be so ridiculously unenforceable to be laughable. Not to mention my point was to remove prayer, not religion. I don't care if you believe in God. It simply does not matter to me. Yet why do I, as a person who does not believe in God, have to constantly encounter the symbols, and icons of religion? It seems to fly in the face of our constitutional mandate of a separation of church and state, but what do I know. I'm just legislating Atheism.

We did this 43 times already.....

2009-01-20T19:52:00.000-08:00

So, I watched the inauguration of the 44rth President of the United States today.

I must admit watching the man that everyone has so much hope on completely flub the oath of office was worth the wait. His speech was even better.

He delivered an impressive talk, full of imagery and sweeping words, a course set for "Change" yet it is change that is nebulous at best. He is faced by a list of challenged that seems nigh insurmountable yet as he stood on the Washington Mall I believed on some level he might have a prayer of doing some good.... maybe.

I'm not one of his rabid supporters, I worry that with the image that has been built up around him he is doomed to fail. I can't help but feel as a Libertarian that he could be a great help, or a hindrance to the freedoms of this nation.

A lot remains to be seen.

Though I doubt he will ever read this, good luck Mr. President. You're going to need it.