"As I've said for years, condoms are a hell of a lot cheaper then kids."

As I age my views shift, my beliefs solidify and I seem to be moving more towards the conservative side of the isle, not the Republican side, just conservative. I may have to write a post on it, but anyway.

I was arguing with a friend on Facebook, a masturbatory exercise I know but I couldn't help it. She was upset that she had been turned down for Medicaid, despite being pregnant, because she makes too much money.

Tough.

You make too much money, your husband can get insurance, sure it sucks but that's life. I'm not against people getting help when they needs it, but as I've always said condoms are a hell of a lot cheaper then kids. In fact any birth control up to and including a full hysterectomy is cheaper then a kid. If you do not have insurance, and if you do not have the financial means to raise a kid, do not get pregnant.

It was made even more frustrating because she knew she did not have insurance and got pregnant anyway. Just upsetting. I see far too much of this behavior, why the hell should I, and my taxes, pay for your bad decision? You chose to get pregnant, you should have to live with the consequences of that decision. Is it elitist of me? If I was poor would I have a different view of the situation? Maybe, I don't know, all I know is how I feel.

Family Dinner

I've been sitting on the link below for a long time, and I think it's finally time that I talk about it, and what I'm thinking about my family.

http://www.ncparkour.com/blog/275-mmx

The article itself has nothing to do with my family, in any sense of the word. Yet there is one line that stuck with me: "A family may not enjoy the presence of a particular member but he is still invited to the table for dinner at the end of the day."

I train with a lot of people, I have a Judo family, and there are members of that family I simply cannot stand, yet at the end of the day they are family, they have put in the sweat, the time, the energy, taken the falls, and been there offering me a hand up when I took my falls. I may dislike them as a person, but as a family member I'd stand shoulder to shoulder with them. I am able to distance them as a person, and their behavior from the simple fact that they are family.

I have a biological family, and in a way the biological family is, if anything, more prone to issues, more prone to fracturing yet there should be a stronger tie between the members. Yet I've found that work binds closer then any blood, any relation. I respect and love the people I sweat with, the people I fight with, next-to, and against more then most of the people I have a blood relationship to but at the end of the day they are still welcome at my table. I do not like my father, I love him, he is my father, but I do not like him. He and I have a very strained relationship, we play nice, and we get along for short periods but on most things we do not agree, however my father is welcome at my table. Any of my family, irregardless of whether I like them or not are welcome at my table. That, and that alone is family.

I just wish more of my family felt the same way.

Fear and Judo

I once heard a man say that you have to face the little fears, for if you chicken out on the little things you'll be more likely to chicken out on the big things.

I'm paraphrasing, obviously.

I haven't competed in over a year. I've avoided any tournament that came my way, from friendly inter-club tournaments to regional fights, to Am-Can, the American and Canadian open. I've had excuses, some of them valid, most times I just kept my mouth shut.

Truth be told I stayed home because I was scared. I was scared if I stepped on the mat and failed again that I wouldn't have the heart to get back up and keep training. I did not think my self confidence could take another last place bronze "medal" so I just didn't fight.

I'm sick of being scared. I'm sick of saying no. I'm strong, I'm big, and I'll just have to see what happens. But win, loose, or draw I'm going to fight.

I made myself a promise as part of my New Years resolution, and that was to fight again and to fight in something bigger then my inter-club tournament. I joked with myself that I'd have to grab the last two tournaments of the year, how last minute panic would force me on the mat. I felt ashamed of myself, I almost took the resolution off the list.

It's still there.

I'm fighting and it's not the second to last tournament of the year. Let's see what happens.

Diet Update

I've been dieting for weeks, I could go back and look up exactly how long but truth be told it doesn't really matter. I'm down 15 lbs, nearly 5% of my body weight and I feel really good. I still have a lot of weight to loose but this is the longest I've kept a diet going in years. It's not a complicated diet, I'm eating right and exercising a ton.

I stopped weightlifting a few weeks ago. I sat down and thought about what I was doing, and what I was trying to achieve. My first goal was weight loss, strength was a secondary goal and to a large extent could be accomplished with the activity I was already doing. Judo was helping me maintain my current strength and the heavy weightlifting combined with the Judo classes were causing no small amount of soreness and pain, especially in my knees.

I've stopped lifting for the moment, once I'm at a weight I'm comfortable with I'll begin to add back in the weight training.

It's a shame

I saw a quote the other day, a quote I have been unable to re-find. It went something like this: It's a shame for a man to die without ever knowing his bodies true potential. I'm paraphrasing, obviously, but the thought is still there.

When I read the quote it got me to thinking, I don't often worry about the why, I just do. I play Judo because I enjoy it, I lift because I like the feel of the weight, and the sense of accomplishment. But I realized, on some level, I train because I want to see if it's possible. I want to find the point at which I can't go any farther. The point at which I can't keep fighting, can't lift anymore, can't go any harder. I have not found that point yet but I'm still looking.

I will not go to my grave without knowing precisely what my body is capable of. Even if it hurts finding out along the way.

Stuff

I'm sure there are people who go through life collecting stuff. I don't want to be one of them anymore. I don't intend to follow a set course, nor do I have a goal in mind. I was simply thinking as I cleaned my apartment tonight that it would be so much easier to clean if I simply had less stuff.

I spent years collecting stuff, little bits to go with other bits that all went together to form a huge pile. Yet I always struggled to pull together the funds to buy more stuff. I'm simply looking to see if I can stop. Is it possible to just walk away. Is it possible to just stop buying things? I guess we will find out.

Handing out Crutches

I started teaching my second session of Web Design at the Genesee Community Darkroom this past Thursday. I had five students, all women, all between the age of thirty and forty five. A good class, they all seemed interested, engaged, and the feedback after the first class was positive. However, one of the women I could tell was going to be a problem. She knew enough of the material I was covering to want to skip ahead, yet the other students all had no previous experience, so I resisted the urge to go faster then I had planned. Maybe, in hindsight, that was a bad choice.

She called the Darkroom, dropped the class, asked for a refund, and pitched a fit.

So, I got called, and had a rather heated discussion with the Darkroom coordinator. What was said is irrelevant, what does matter is that I feel I'm doing the right thing, and I refuse to change the way I teach web design. My reasons are simple.

I refuse to hand my students a crutch. Period.

Let me say that again, I REFUSE to hand my students a crutch.

I teach web design, I don't teach Dreamweaver. Dreamweaver is a tool, it is not an end to itself. If you can only design a web page in Dreamweaver then you CAN NOT design a web page. You have become overly dependent on the tool, and the tool then becomes a crutch. Remove the crutch and you fall.

I teach my students to design web pages. I give them the skill, and then with the skill I give them the tools. When I'm done I want to know that any student of mine could sit down with Notepad and write a website. I want to know that if you remove the tool from my students hands that the SKILL remains. Skill matters, the tool does not. I simply refuse to teach a class on a tool and not impart the underlying skill. It does my students no good and I would be hard pressed to live with myself.