Fear and Judo

I once heard a man say that you have to face the little fears, for if you chicken out on the little things you'll be more likely to chicken out on the big things.

I'm paraphrasing, obviously.

I haven't competed in over a year. I've avoided any tournament that came my way, from friendly inter-club tournaments to regional fights, to Am-Can, the American and Canadian open. I've had excuses, some of them valid, most times I just kept my mouth shut.

Truth be told I stayed home because I was scared. I was scared if I stepped on the mat and failed again that I wouldn't have the heart to get back up and keep training. I did not think my self confidence could take another last place bronze "medal" so I just didn't fight.

I'm sick of being scared. I'm sick of saying no. I'm strong, I'm big, and I'll just have to see what happens. But win, loose, or draw I'm going to fight.

I made myself a promise as part of my New Years resolution, and that was to fight again and to fight in something bigger then my inter-club tournament. I joked with myself that I'd have to grab the last two tournaments of the year, how last minute panic would force me on the mat. I felt ashamed of myself, I almost took the resolution off the list.

It's still there.

I'm fighting and it's not the second to last tournament of the year. Let's see what happens.