It's 3am

I occasionally get the urge to write. Not necessarily about anything in particular, but just to write. It's calming. Tonight, at 3am was one of those times.

I had begun to worry myself sick, worrying about money, and cars, and at 3am that was plenty to get my stomach in knots. So, I got up and I decided to write. I hope it both calms me, and helps me sleep.

I had a good day, I got a lot of side work done, I only wish I could have devoted that much time to it before now. PesaPlay is coming along really well, to think that I managed to build a social-networking/fantasy stock trading site with no help, and minimal training makes me smile. It's a good feeling. All too often in my field you are left at the end of the day with nothing to show for your labor. Nothing tangible you can point to and say "I built that" well now I can say, I built PesaPlay, and that makes me feel really, really, good.

I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm in debt. But it feels good to acknowledge what I made, what I built, and what I will continue to shape and build. It's a really, really, good feeling.

Digital Backup

These are the vows Jackie and I wrote for our wedding, they were spoken prior to an agreed upon set of Humanist vows. I wanted to make sure I had them backed up, so I'm putting them here for safe keeping.

Jackie

You once told me that if I did not propose I was in danger of being kicked to the curb. Fortunately, I had been debating proposing for months before entering, what I called, "curb kicking range" however, I was scared. I was afraid of the unknown, afraid of committing to a relationship that has had it's ups and downs. Yet, as I drove down to Ithaca to pick up your ring I knew, despite the jitters, that I was doing the right thing. You know I look to avoid risk at all costs, that I would rather take the long, safe, road then the unknown path. Yet, when I'm with you the risk doesn't seem so scary, things just seem to work out. It's like you always tell me, "We will make it work"

If I've learned anything in the years I've been with you it is that, we will make it work. I love you. I have looked forward to this day for years, ever since a glass of water, and a kiss in your parents kitchen. I did not know then that we would be standing here one day, but I knew in that instant I had found someone magical, someone perfect. You.

You know I don't make promises lightly, yet I want to make a few simple promises to you today. I promise to love you, through the good times, the bad times, and all the times in-between. I promise to talk, always to talk, even when it's hard, even when I'm scared. I promise to trust you, and to take the risks, because with you they will always work out. I promise to keep your toes warm and your shoulders covered on cold winter nights. I promise to remember the fabric softener, and to not leave clothes in the dryer. I promise to always have a gallon of milk in the fridge, and I'll try to remember to refill the water jug. Lastly, I promise to be there for you, every day, for the rest of our lives, and to never leave you again. I love you Miss Jacqueline Kay Corp, and today you have made me the happiest man alive.

And now, Jackies vows:

Christopher:

I spent many hours debating what I wanted to say to you, and if I was comfortable saying it in public. If you’re hearing these words, that means I made it past those points. That’s what I’m so grateful for when I’m with you: you always help me past ‘those’ points. I remember when you started to court me, you asked me for my phone number to call me. I laughed and told you I was listed in the directory, but you said you wanted to hear the number come from me. I think it was a matter of pride for you to hear me say it. I blushed and looked at you. I wouldn’t have told anyone else ‘469-8872’ if they had asked. I would have said, “Look it up, it won’t kill you.” But that’s what you do to me. You give me strength, and a faith in myself that no-one else can. It is because of this that I said yes to this whole….commitment. I love you. I promise you that. I also promise to always respect you, to continue to hold my tongue when you spout off some foolish idea. I promise to laugh with you, and grow with you. I promise to treat you as the first priority in my life, though I may need some reminding. I promise to harass you about cleaning the cat’s litter box, every day, until it gets done. But on the flip side, I promise to protect you from the kitties and their epic battles, even if it is hilarious to watch you get climbed on…I don’t know what else to say. Oh yeah. For all the times you’ll never hear it when we inevitably fight: I’m sorry. I do love you. And no, those pants don’t make you look fat.

NAAFA: The Hell?

So, I stumbled across NAAFA, or the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. Say that ten times fast. Thier website can be found here: NAAFA. Now, I'm not thin, and I'll be the first person to tell you that traditional BMI calculations suck. But let's take a look at some of NAAFA's claims.

First: Size Descrimination

Size Discrimination Consequences are Real!

• Creates medical and psychological effects
• Results in wage disparity
• Affects hiring and promotion
• Affects academic options and advancement

Let's take a good long look at this. They claim that based on SIZE that people are being descriminated on. They demand equal protection under civil rights laws that place SIZE on the same plane as sex, age, race, color, and sexual orientation.

Let me run that by you again in case you missed the humor. SIZE which is controllable through discupline, exercise, and coloric restriction on the same plane as factors which can not be controlled like sex, race, color, ethnicity, and sexual orientation.

So, a man who is fat has the same right to be protected as a man who is black? or gay? Seriously?

Am I the only one completely flabergasted by this?

They then go on to ask why do people descriminate, and they supply this gem:

"People fail to lose weight because of poor self-discipline and willpower"

Now, people who are unable to control their caloric intake, or manage a regular exercise schedule, often due to a lack of self control or will power.... do I promote them, or someone who shows the physical qualities of being able to control their body and motivate themselves to exercise regularly. Tough choice. Do I promote the undisciplinced "large" person, or the disciplined "thin" person. Man, tough choice!

I'll be honest, I'm far from thin. I'm certainlyt not the svelt specimine I could be. But I exercise, I'm cognizent of my diet, and I do my best to maintain, if not reduce, my body weight. At no point in my life have I ever felt that it would be apropriate to look at morbidly obese individuals as anything but people with a complete and utter lack of self-discipline and motivation.

I'm beyond words, this is simply too stupid.

Goodbye Ol' Friend

I said goodbye to a friend yesterday.

I don't get emotional all that often but last night I nearly cried.

I sold my car, it's stupid I know, but anyone who thinks cars lack a soul has never owned a good car. Not an expensive car, a good car.

I went everywhere in that car. I fixed her, I drove her, in times of financial hardship I neglected her, but she ran anyway. Every morning, no matter how cold, I turned the key and she started. I know every rattle, every creak, I've gotten into more trouble, and she's gotten me back out more times then I can figure. I've slept in her, and she's gotten me home when I probably shouldn't have. I've banked her in the snow, and dug, and pushed her back out.

I love that car. Letting her go hurt more then I thought it would.She wasn't my first, nor my last but she was the first car I could truly call mine. I bought her, albeit with borrowed money, but I bought her. I put my foot down and for the first time in my life got the car I wanted.

As far as I'm considered she was perfect. I sold her to a friend, to pay for my wedding, I only hope he treats her well, keeps her oil changed, better then I did, and in the end I hope she has a long life ahead of her.

I know it's futile....

I have several family members who are Republican. That's not necessarily a reason to shun them, but it's close. One of these family members, we will call him "Mark", forwarded me an e-mail to the effect of how Federal Health Care was doomed to failure, and because other federal programs have problems Federal Health Care was equally doomed.

So, in honor of "Mark" I bring you the NFO (Nuke From Orbit) for today, October 5th.

Step 1: Identify a problem
Step 2: Propose a solution

Without step 2, it's just whining.

Have you ever gone without insurance?
Have you ever laid in bed at night and listened to the woman you love fight for breath because of a set of enlarged tonsils she can't get taken out because she doesn't have insurance?
Have you ever had to wait five months, calling daily, do hear back from Medicaid only to finally be approved and then a week later be told you don't have it any more because you did not submit the proper paperwork? Paperwork you never received.
Have you ever been turned down by a doctor, with cash in hand, because they only take people with insurance?
Have you ever had to cheap out on the insurance you could get because the cost of the better insurance would mean you're not able to pay the rest of your bills?

Guess what, I have.

Have you really sat and THOUGHT about the stupid, inane, crap you decide to forward? Have you really sat and thought about the state of health care in this country? If you think you have, then I have a wake-up call for you, you're privilege is showing. You're white, middle-class and I guarantee you have never gone a day without insurance. I have. My fiancee has. You want to know what is broke? Health care in this country is broke. I don't see you proposing any solution.

Today's NFO brought to you by people who are incapable of thinking outside their little white middle-class suburbia world.

It's a Secret

I started reading PostSecret a month and a half ago. Most of the "secrets" are cute, funny, benign, or just... odd. However, every now and again one comes across the screen that makes me pause, or think, or just makes me sad. It's not often I'm moved to comment but I saw this and simply had to say something.


At first I was taken aback, saddened by the confession, the fact that someone could be so uncaring to effect another person in such a fashion, but then I sat and thought for a moment and really asked myself why did it bother me. I did not identify with the situation directly, so why did it upset me. Why did it effect me in such a visceral manner?

It was not an easy thing...

I understand the longing. I understand wanting to go back in time, to do things you did not get a chance to do, and I understand regretting opportunities missed. I understand laying awake at night and wondering "what if?" I wonder if, had I made different choices, would I have been happier? Sadder? Or would I still have ended up in Rochester, still ended up working where I am. Could I really have changed things? Or, would I have just ruined what I had?

I'll never know.

I Abhor Risk.

I can not state that clearly, or forcefully enough, I abhor risk. I loathe it, detest it, and if given the chance would never encounter it in a million years. I prefer things to be controlled, calculated, and predictable.

However, there are times when one must take a risk. Usually, in my case at least, this risk comes back to haunt me ten-fold. I took a risk a few months back, and as usual, that risk is coming back ten-fold.

I bought a car.

That in and of itself does not seem too frightening. I'm sure in my life I will do it again. However, I bought a car that did not run. I bought it for $200 with the intent to put a new engine in it and re-sell the car. Put a new engine in it I did, and a few other odds and ends, to the tune of $2,000. Nearly all of it on credit, and that was the risk.

That is the risk that is coming back to haunt me because, simply put, I can't manage to sell the damn thing. I originally was asking $5,500 that rapidly dropped to $4,500 and at the rate it's going the price may drop again. Why? Because I need to sell the car, and right now any money is better then no money.

I've re-learned a lesson I swore I knew already. Risk never pays.